Contemplations of a Woman

Whew its been 7 years!

2011-09-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

I started this blog in 2004! cant believe its been seven years...

I been off and on with it but always come back when Im going through major things in my life and need to write again...

I think I'll start bloggin again as I am at a cross road in my life..Im not even sure where to start!

Over the past three years ive been trying to find myself...and place. Ive moved 3 times (Maryland, Virginia and NC) Ive been engaged and ended that relationship and now im back in NY and pursuing my degree in Nursing! My babygirl is going on 12 and about to move into woman hood..almost my height!

Im at a point where I realize its time for me to establish some things. I have to sit down and figure out what is important or rather what is priority to me! I wanted a family and husband and all that so bad that it caused me to make bad decisions and impulsive decisions in my love life...

Its funny how life works out that way..the same story keeps playing out over and over again with different characters until you learn the lesson you are suppose to learn I guess..

So here I am..in school...about to turn 33....with and 11 year old daughter ...back in NY and trying to get my life back on track....

Whew...here we go...

I'm back to bloggin

2009-07-26T12:26:00.001-07:00

My goodness..its been awhile.. I have been through about 4 different blog names and several years of ups and downs and I think I am ready to return to the blogging world.

I finally did it yall..(well I know there isnt really a following anymore but u know..) I MOVED!

I created a post awhile back about moving into my 30's and what that meant for me.. and I never would have imagined there would be so many changes this year. I am 3 months away from completing my 30th year of life and true to what I anticipated it has been a life changer!

To start - I got laid off.. in november of 08 (shortly after my 30th bday). I got my first corporate client through my newly founded company ShoeString Elegance..I ended a three year relationship last year..explored an old flame and realized it needed to stay just that..lol..and now I've actually moved!

If you know anything about me you know I have wanted to move for soooo long. Just tired of the city. I explored NC, VA and most recently DC and MD. I decided on MD. I'm in PG county. Cheverly to be exact. and I LOVE IT!. I got a small one bedroom in a residential area and my daughter is happy as well. I am already feeling happier and more at peace being out of the craziness of NYC..

Though I will miss lots of things about the big apple.. i just knew it was time to move on...

So I'm back here now - and ready to talk and share and just vent.. life isnt easy but im making it.. and I thank the gods for that...

I'll be catching up with all the blogs that I've followed and look forward to returning to the blogging world.

Decorating

2008-07-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

I love to decorate my home and have actually become obssesed with it. It seems I have a problem with stability LOL - I always want to change around the room or get "better" furniture or color schemes or change the curtains.

While my $$ is limitied I can't move as fast as I want and its been slow going decorating my apartment. I have been in this apartment about 3 years now and I have painted the living room, part of the hallway and my daughters bedroom. I committed to finishing one room at a time rather than trying to do all of them at once cause then they all look incomplete.

Its so funny but when I go to a store I will pass all the shoes and clothes and head for the home decor section.. ahhhh just thinking of throw pillows and candles brings a smile to my face..

Anyway I am going to post a picture of my latest project, my curtains. I made some curtains when I first moved in becasue my windows and ceilings are very high so the standard 83" curtains dont do it. I need 94" at least and the height from my floor to my ceiling is 115" so its a challenge ( I cant do the puddle look that I like unless i make the curtains myself..

Anyway - my living room a rust and yellow and brown color scheme and I have really dark brown couches right now. Word to the wise - dont buy microfiber -that crap is hard to clean !

Anyway I came across these couches and I am IN LOVE ...wait for it....wait...

TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm in heaven)

Now my curtains are slightly darker than the ones in this pic but I absolutely love these couches from JCP and they are affordable..only problem - I have an 8 year old who spills shit everywhere ! I would die if these got stained..so do I wait till she is older or ban her from my living room ! lol ..thats it for now ... (daydreaming about these couches)....

2008-07-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

I am officially a student. My first class has started and I have lots of reading to do ! Im excited but nervous..

Here is my first "paper". We had to write a intro for the other students to read about us. I been out of school for 6 years now so I'm definetely a little rusty lol

My name is Stephanie Stewart and I am pursuing the BA in Social Science with a concentration in Education. My professional career goal is to be a teacher.

I am very excited about starting classes, as it has been many years since I have been in school, six to be exact! I hope to gain a better understanding of what it takes to be successful in college and life in general from this course.

My long-term goal professionally is to open my own charter school. It has always been my dream to start a program that encourages and utilizes domestic and international travel as a means of education. My target audience is inner city children and those from poor and working class families. These are often times the families that simply can’t afford to travel with their children.

I feel exposure to other cultures and ways of life opens the door to acceptance, tolerance and respect for all mankind. I strive to show my students that there is so much more to this world than what they see outside their front door. By experiencing new places and people I hope to cultivate a love and appreciation for knowledge.

When I was younger I had the opportunity to work as an assistant teacher in a pre-k class. One of my most memorable experiences was when I was able to help one of the students learn his ABC’s. He had struggled all year to pick it up and suffered from a speech impediment. I took extra time to sit with him after and before class. The look of joy in his eyes at the end of the school year when he recited his ABC’s in its’ entirety, was more rewarding than any other professional accomplishment to date. That’s when I recognized the reward in teaching.

My short-term goal is to start an enrichment program that teaches children about other cultures and exposes them to local arts. Because of financial constraints I was not able to experience these things as a child. As an adult I realize the importance in being well rounded and cultured.

I feel one’s economic state should never limit one’s ability to experience all life has to offer, and that is what I strive to provide for the children I encounter.

I look forward to getting to know all of you and wish you success in your endeavors!

Before 30 Goals

2008-07-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

I am going to be 30 in about 4 months - and as I mentioned in my previous post there are some things I want to get in order. One of them being enroll in school and finish my BA.

Last night I did it ! I enrolled in Ashford University which has a campus in Iowa but also has a complete online BA program in Social Science with a concentration in Education ! So I can complete my entire degree online. I take one class at a time and the class last for 5 weeks.

I was approved for a Federal Stafford Student Loan. I really didnt want to apply for a loan but I dont qualify for financial aid. And through my research I found several programs that offer loan forgivance programs if you become a teacher and commit to work in an urban school for a couple years - so there are options. I am also applying for the "Project Working Mom" scholarship which awards full tuition for free ! (fingers crossed)

So its all surreal right now. I think once I start that first class in a couple weeks it will set in ..

But im on my way to achieving my "before 30" goals..

I am back.. I think..LOL

2008-07-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me this is the third blog I have started now. The reason is because I keep going through changes lol - ive gone from mylifemyshitmyblog to newyearnewme to contemplations of a woman now..why ..well shit its kinda like cutting your hair..you know ladies how we get out of a relationship and we do something drastic like cut our hair thinking it will make you feel "different" ..yeah like that

Anyway - for those of you who are new I guess I can describe myself as honestly vunerable.. I use my blogs to vent and talk about whats going on in my life..

I'm putting a little twist on this one because i feel that with the new title and new stage im entering in my life (my 30's) I can stay put now lol for the most part anyway.. ( I tend to jump around alot- not just with my blogs but in my life too) But now its time to start planting some roots ..

I'm going to be 30 this year ( in October) and its hit me - Dang I'm grown! Its time to get my ish in order..

I love to decorate, travel, spend time with my babygirl and my man and girlfriends.. so I will blog about those things.. More recently I am really starting to get into fashion.. so I'll blog about that too. Oh and of course finances - still trying to figure that ish out !

Oh well ..for now - Hello again to all of my old blogg fam..I been off the blogging scence but still keeping up with yall..and Hello for the first time to all my new friends..

Dilema

2008-01-17T08:45:00.000-08:00

I have a dilemma ...

This year for me is monumental – moving into 30 for me really makes me want to get my shit together – get things in order and start to bring into fruition the things that I want to accomplish… I don’t want to do things the same way anymore – and I definetly don’t want to waste away the next 30 years behind someones desk pushing papers and slowly withering away both physically and mentally.. im NOT ok with working for someone more so in a capacity that offers no creativity

Although I haven’t figured out the best way to accomplish it yet I know whats important to me- quality of life.. because of all the things I have been through and death and sickness I have seen first hand I know its not all about how much time you have but how you spend the time you have…with all that said…

I want a better quality of life – I don’t enjoy what I do – that’s no secret – and now that I realize its not the companies but the type of work that I do I realize I have to get out of this type of work – at this point – school isn’t an option because I simply cant afford it . and I refuse to take out 30K+ loans to then take a pay cut. Im not happy… im not happy right now cause I don’t like the things in my life – I don’t like the work im doing – I don’t like the hussle and bussle of the city- I don’t like always feeling rushed etc etc etc.

Now I know I want to start my own business – and I am slowly winding down to a decision on which one to pursue .. but this is where the dilemma comes in . If I start a business here – that automatically means stayin here for at least another 5 years or more im sure – now I don’t hate everything about NY – there are a lot of advantages to living in ny – the city of course and convience of things – but trying to buy property here is hard – as we know – or rather expensive – but I know there are places we can move not too far from here that aren’t too bad ..

So my dilemma is – do I make the decision to stay here and start my business here… or move to the south and start all over – I know initially I would have to get another admin job until I can get a house, and start a business etc etc .. So I feel like I am at a dead stop until I make the decision to stay or go – cause everything else has to be planned according to that decision

2008 Already ??

2008-01-16T05:58:00.000-08:00

It's 2008 - This is a big year for me. I'm going to be 30 years old ... whew gotta take a moment to let that set in .. Now dont get me wrong I know 30 isnt old . They say 30 is the new 20 right..well I dont know about all that lol

I remember being a kid and thinking 30 was sooo old - now here I am at 30 and I have destiny telling me that Im old and referring to the time I grew up as " back in the days"

She had the nerve to ask me if we had cars "Back in my day" ( little heffa ..lol)

Anyway - I was looking back at all my post and how I was so active at one time- and I asked myself what happened..what happened to all my plans etc ? Why do I lack the motivation to stay focused on the things I want to do in life ? Time just seems to fly past me.

Right now I am working for a junior clothing company as an admin - the pay is decent and Ive been here about 9 months now .. boss is cool - nothing exciting - I mean its a job .

Home is ok - my youngest brother is living with me - my cousin moved back home with her mom and Im still organizing and decorating lol ( the never ending project)

I'm ready to move out of NY - I'm looking at Atlanta right now - according to the research I have done the cost of living is 50% lower and the income difference is 16% . The houses are beautiful from what I have seen online and I know a good amount of people who have moved there from NY that love it..

Im almost done with my credit repair and will check on my scores once that is finished and start to rebuild. I want to get my scores up to the 700's before I move so I can get approved for a mortgage. I wanted to have a home by the time i was 20 but that is 11 months away so I dont know if that goal is realistic - especially since I want it to be in a different state - so now Im aiming to be in my home in my new state between 30-32.

Well thats it for now I have some things Im working on and plan to post them soon - Financial revamps etc .. till then - thanks for keeping up with me ..

Im here

2007-12-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

I've been sporadic for a while now - dealing with life and doing what I do I guess ..

As seems the norm in my life there always seems to be something going on - let me rephrase that - there seems to always be something going on in my life or the lives of those I love ..

I contemplated letting this blog go because of the fact that I don't post that often anymore - but i remembered why I started it - I wanted to keep track of what was going on with me - i wanted to leave a trace that I was here .. in this world and living..

So I will attempt to keep it up - and I thank all of you who have checked back on me from time to time..

The new year is approaching and I will be the big 30 in 08 ! I cant believe it - its come so fast - my babygirl is gonna be 8 and Im gonna be 30 ! I was looking back at post from last year and the things that went on - ive come a long way.

I went to see my brother ( not sure if i mentioned that before) but he looks good - he is eating alot i guess and just sitting around . I miss him so much- I feel so bad that he is in this situation.

I realize I have a "superwoman" mentality. I want to save the world and I put so much energy into worrying about everyone else - wanting to help everyone else that loose myself - i forget to help myself..

I'm hoping to change that in 08 -

My bro is about to do some serious time and there isnt much I can do about it - everywhere I look i see him - i see people who look like him - sound like him and I wonder if could have done more to keep him from going down this path -

His boys look just like him ! I really want to be sure to be a part of their lives .. I can do that..

Well thats it for now - Im trying to get back into blogging if i can -

Growing Pains....

2007-11-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

Im sad...Im sad because Im looking at my 7 year old and still trying to figure out how to be a mom :-(

This single parent shit aint no joke - finacially yeah its hard - but i have help from time to time in that area from my man ..but the burden of raising a child by yourself emotionally has really hit home for me ..

When did this shit happen ? I never thought I would be in this situation - sure i left her dad - he was a no good piece of shit - but then i got married - and that was suppose to solve the problem of raising my babygirl alone - but that negro started acting dumb so i had to bounce...and well here we are..

I mean granted - alot of times relationships just dont work out and you may be faced with raising your baby with out their dad in the house - but completely alone ? no bday calls, no joint parent teacher conferences - when she is sick - I take off work to get her - when she is hurt - i pay the medical bills... and my man is great but guess what if we dont work out - he moves on - and im still a mommy..

I love my daughter - with everything I am - but this shit is hard and i need to vent...

Someone tell me how I am suppose to get her up in time for the bus in the morning, dressed,fed, and neat - then get myself together and get to work - get her after school- come home do homework,make dinner - clean up - clean her- oh dont forget homework, and keep myself looking fly and her of course..

then find time for the gym and going back to school to better myself so i can stop taking jobs that i hate ??

What happens when u finally accept that these are the cards you have been dealt ? does it make it easier to deal with ? or do you just become numb ?

My man isnt really a family man- he has no kids and no real desire for any - and while he loves us both - he has no idea what its like to have the responsbility of a child - therefore he has unrealistic expectations...

My money is tight - my nerves are shot and Im tired.

Im going to see ahmad this weekend - im not looking forward to seeing my brother behind bars - no contact meeting for 15 mintues - behind a glass on a phone - alot to swallow for me ..

I was looking at his baby pictures and pictures from when we were kids and trying to figure out what went wrong ?? when did he go from a loving, carefree guy to a man angry enough to take someones life ?? when did this happen and where was I ?

Father - you know what this life has given me - all I ask is that you give me the strength to deal with it and come out sane..I want to provide a good life for my babygirl - i want to be a good mom - i want her to avoid the pains and mistakes ive made..but im still growing and learning myself -

just help me lord ...im so confused right now.. i dont understand why i cant get a break ...as soon as i get on my feet something comes and slaps me back down...

Whew - im still alive

2007-11-02T05:45:00.000-07:00

awww my babygirl was a skelaton for halloween - why she told me she gettin to old to be something kiddie..huh ?

Anyway - its been what 4 months now since i wrote! CRAZY ..

well as is normal with my life there is much to report -

I kinda been dealing with everything concerning the situation with my bro - he is facing 12-15 years for allegedly killing someone... i know..whew..

Anyway - I been depressed about that - thats my baby bro- my mom been gone for 14 years now and its been just us looking out for each other - Im the oldest and my brothers are 25 and 21. He decided to move back down south some years ago and it just seems he aint been right since. I havent flown down to see him as yet . I am going next month - I just been trying to wrap my mind around all this, and I know this is going to be a very emotional and hard trip to endure.

At the same time as a mother I have to take into consideration that fact that someone else lost their baby. Some one else lost their brother,son or uncle, and even their daddy.

I dont want my brother to do time but if he did the crime - ...you know how it goes..

Its a loose-loose situation - then of course I have to consider will he make it through this - we all know the jail system doesnt rehabilitate - if anything it seems they come out worse...

My youngest brother has moved in with me- the one who is 21 - he got his first job and seems to be doing well. Its nice having him there but at the same time of course im like ok lets get a plan together - what are you going to do with your life..

Shortly after that my cousin moved in also - she is 21 - and was having MAJOR problems at home - long story short - her mother is very abusive and she reached the point where she was feelign suicidal - so of course - here comes superwoman to the rescue and lets her move in with me.. *sigh*

That situation doenst seem to be working out too well though - cause lately she has been going back and forth between her moms house and mine - and her mother and I had a HUGE falling out when she moved out - i mean yelling,screaming etc - very stressful - and now she is voluntarily going back .. so its like all that drama was pointless..

My man and I are doing well - ive gotten over some insecurities and continue to try and work through them ...so things have been peaceful in that area - shit I cant afford any more drama anyway..

Lets see..oh Destiny - did I report that she A. fractured her wrist this summer and was in a cast for 4-6 weeks, then B. turns around and runs into something at the park and has to get 3 staples in her head !!! HELLO why do children run one way while looking the other way ..

Needless to say this year has been packed full with Stress... !

Work is ok - it is what is it ..u know..my bday was nice - 29 now yall ! whew lord .. and I feel it lol

thats all for now - i hope to post more regularly - just trying to keep my head above water right now....

Hey People

2007-07-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

Ok so im sure all of you heard of the craziness in NY last night - the explosion, steam, people covered in mud. I imagine in a smaller town where people arent use to craziness - the city would probably shut down , but not NY ..oh no - the next day people in the office arent even talking about it.. Wonder if I could pull the " im so emotionally distraught because of this I can't make it in today" card... humm

Anyway - as most of you have known I finally went and filed for child support - they ordered 25 bucks a week after this n*cka came in there sayign he wasnt workign ( mind you the original order was for 200 a week- he neva paid a dime of it) - I told him to drop dead and I hope he rots in hell..

They gave us a court date to come back and at the time I didnt realize I would already be out of town..once I realized that I called them and they said to simply fax in a letter asking for an adjurnment. Now .. I didnt think this would be a problem being that he hadnt shown up for one of the court dates and all they did was adjourn it - then he shows up with a lame story about not working which is a lie - he is working off the books and owns 3 homes ! Of course the court told me I would have to prove this and subpoena his family etc etc... ( more time wasted)

Anyway he calls me from a blocked number cause he know i dont take his calls and says " I wanted to talk about destniy because they said i dont have to pay child support.." I'm like what ? BS ! So he says they said since I didnt show up the judge decided to vacate the case and he doesnt have to pay child support nor does he owe me the almost 2ooo.oo bucks that has added up. hummm

I said whateva and hung up the phone. Low and Behold I receive a letter from the courts stating just that - Now - I faxed the letter like they said - I showed up to every court date and sat there for 4+ hours waiting to see the judge on at least 4 occasions and I dont show up once - and have a validate excuse - AND fax the letter in like they said and they throw it out -

They told me I have two options - start a new case - or file a motion to reconsider vacating the case.

I see this as a sign - I have been praying asking God if I should even be bothered with all this crap - for freaking 25 bucks a week ! Her father doesnt know her - I had to force him to take a DNA test cause he claim he didnt think she was his - 7 years he hasnt been in the picture - whats the point ?

So I am leaving it alone - no more court dates - no more looking at his sorry face wondering why he wont love my child ..

F*CK Him ! I'm done ...

2007-07-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

I use to post on a regular basis..what happened ? I think its because i told family members about my blog and now I regret it lol - cause i cant write about them ... I may make this blog by invite only - Ive entered a " nothing really happening extenrally but lost internally stage right now lol

Is it just me or does it seem there is always something going on ? My brother got locked up for murder - I havent seen him yet so we havent had a face to face - he is in NC - he says he didnt do it and I want to believe him ...

I am going to see him next month - the lawyers want 20K to represent him for this type of case. ... nuff said right ?

Anyway I been back and forth with the guilt of that because i wonder if I had been more involved in his life would this had happened ? But again im a mom and hes 25 years old and has two sons - he makes his own decisions.

Nevertheless because my mother died when they were so young ( including me) I cant help but feel responsible for them. I remember the first time he got locked up about 5 years ago for a drug charge. I cried all night imagining my baby brother in a cold dark cell. He had a nervous breakdown and knocked the front teeth out of his mouth.. that was an ordeal ..

Well now he is back in for murder - it was all over the news in NC - I even printed out the newspaper articles - it was so weird to see my own brothers name in print accused of killing another man..

Anyway - my cous is turning 30 in a week - whew girl - we gettin grown ! As I get older it seems that my tolerance for some things is gettin lower and my tolerance for others things is becoming more " flexible" .

I told my room mate she had to go - for several reasons - bottom line i wanted my place back - destiny is 7 now and Im pushing 30 and shit I dont want nobody else in our space right now

So thats it for now people -- or whoever still reads this - I am gonna start to post more often again and think i will make this invite only --so i can talk about what i want to without worrying about anyone's feelings gettin hurt lol

2007-05-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

I saw the color purple with Fantasia and it was really good – I liked this comment that Mister made at the end – He said something like this …

“ The other day I was wondering what we was put here on earth for….. I think we was put here on earth to wonder”

I liked that – life can be a bitch sometimes then at other times life can be so damn beautiful – love, anger, fear, trust all those things that come along with life .. because like Miss Celia said .. I’s here !

Me and My babygirl are forever

2007-05-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

My daughter is 7 and I feel like I am still new to this mothering thing – however as the years pass I have learned a few things;
I will always be her mommy and she will always be my daughter, so I have to put her first ! men come and go, girlfriends come and go …but we are for life – that’s one thing I can count on as long as we are both breathing
I am a single mom – I have to accept that – no one is going to love my babygirl the way I do – her dad aint sh*t and probably never will be..
I went back to court for the support order – they ordered 200 a week – initially I was overjoyed –finally I would have some help – but the joy was short lived – not only did I not receive anything for 4 weeks when we went back to court ( he didn’t show for the first hearing) he came with a lame story about not working- LIE ! and they lowered it to 25 a week – HA JOKE ! now mind you I am not upset about the amount – I am upset about the waste of time !
This is why I didn’t do it for 7 years cause I knew he wasn’t legite and working off the books – so this has been a waste of my time – anyway ….
Work is cool so far – everyone is nice – oh did I tell yall I got a new gig – yeah I know Im horrible but hey I refuse to be miserable – seems like this one is cool though – so we will see – the girl I replaced was here 5 years and is moving so…
I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid of money ! LOL having a lot of money scares me – I start thinking of all the things I need to do and all the things I want to do and nothing gets done – it just kinda slowly dwindles away – 20 here – 40 there etc etc. I gotta figure something out
I read Suze Ormans new book – Women and Money and I like it …

I'm back home ...

2007-05-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

Oh so I've come back to my origin.. I started the new blog thinking it would be a nice start to a new year - but its kinda like a new pair of shoes - a new relationship or a new job - while there is alot of excitement there about having something new ..sometimes you just long for the old - i mean at least its broken in and you know the good and bad of it all ..right ?

Anyway enough babbling - So updates - as usual there is always shit going on in my life LORD!!!

-My babygirl turned 7 ! I cant belive it another year gone by ! It seems just yesterday she turned six

-My sister had her second baby - a little girl - too cute ! I spent the labor at the hospital with her - LORD i forgot what it was like..yeah dont know if im going down that road again ..whew ! Breastfeeding, bleeding, swoll up , no sleep , dirty diapers .. Nope dont think so HAHAH

-I left the new job - I wasnt a fit for the company - NUFF SAID ...

-My brother was locked up and is being charged with MURDER ! I cried for days yall - still feeling crazy ova that - my brothers are like my babies and mommies death has been hard on all of us - I hooked up with lousy men , my brothers hooked up with lousey men too LMAO ( well role models - you know what I mean)

-My man is still wonderful - at least that is consistent whew

-I found and started a new job - more money , good benefits etc. THANK YOU LORD

-Went to dentist - WHY I need like 3 root canals ?? See what happen when u poor and dont go to the dentist for like 6 years- not to mention i weep like a baby at the damn dentist cause i am resistent to novacaine ( spelling) and need like 100 shots to get numb ..oh well

-I went to court and got an order for child support - 3 weeks later - nicka aint sent in a payment yet ( im not suprised)

-I spoke to my daughter's fathers ex wife and she gave me some HORRIBLE news about his inappropriate behaviors with his oldest daughter - LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH - i'll explain more later - lets just say that bastard will neva be alone with my child - and I will be gettin an order of protection agaisnt him

-Mommy been gone for 14 years in June and I miss her like it was yesterday - Grandma been gone for 1 now .. Lord sometimes I feel so alone - but I'll make it through - I have to believe there is a reason for all this - I been praying alot lately - hoping somebody up there hears me cause im feeling weak lately..

Its midnight and I'm tired - decided to go ahead and write this blog cause lord knows I been meaning to get back to yall

You know me same shit going on - different day ..still strivin to improve myself

Till next time yall - be blessed and keep ya head up !

My new spot

2007-01-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

check me out at my new spot for the new year

www.new-year-new-me-new-things.blogspot.com

2006-12-26T11:42:00.000-08:00

Oh I had to come back and post this –cause kids really do say the darndest things

My daughter tells me on Christmas day as we are on our way to my mans mothers house that she doesn’t want me having sex anymore with my man
Uh yeah, she said it ..

I said why not – she said cause I don’t …she responded.. I said well who should I have sex with ..no one she says..

I said well how do you know I have sex with him.. cause I heard you she says ..

Ok my face turns red im sure as I ask her ..when ..she said the other night ( when she was suppose to be asleep mind you) she said I heard you going “ yes yes"

LOL ! I said oh yeah ? that wasn’t me musta been someone downstairs .. ( lying)

I said what is sex anyway ..she says kissing a man on the lips and hugging real close ( whew I was nervous for a minute that she might actually know)

I said well sex is an adult matter.. so I don’t want you worrying about what I do as an adult.. she said but i dont want you to .. I said end of conversation - what I do as an adult with him is my business ... ok she responded ...

And I left it at that ! Too funny .. Im gonna have to keep it down next time ! LOL

Rest in Peace

2006-12-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

I havent written lately cause I hate putting together half azzed post that dont realy tell what i been going through - but I will write this for now and elaborate later..

Two weeks ago I found out that the wife of the pastor that I have mentioned to you guys died. I spent 6-7 years in this church before and following the death of my parents. They were my family – for those of you not familiar with the story in a nutshell this is it ..
I started going to the church got very involved around the age of 14. My mom died at 15 and the pastor a young man buried her..my dad died 3 months later. I got very close to the pastor and his wife and even lived with them for a short time. The pastor took a liking to me and kissed me for the first time at 17. It continued to progress from the age of 17 till 19. I told his wife what had been going on ( we never slept together but did everything but) and I was kicked out of the church after he turned it around and told her I had been the one seducing him all that time .. Anyway I got kicked out attempted suicide, got pregnant, had my baby ( no he isn’t the dad) and eventually become the woman I am today
( it’s a really long story guys which I will explain more later)
Anywho, prior to kicking me out of the church and only family I knew this woman was like a mother to me , which is why I confessed everything to her because I felt so guilty for being in love with her husband. I also neva told her everything , just that we had made out a few times and that I had feelings for him ..
I neva told her everything cause I didn’t want to hurt her any more than I already had. I promised myself that one day I would go back and tell her the whole story ..but I never did.. and now she is gone.
I wrote her once after I left and she wrote back and told me she loved me and would always love me.. I understand why she did what she did .. that was her man and the father of her children.. however until this day I still don’t understand why he would lie and allow me to be kicked out knowing what had really happened…
Either way that’s another story for another day..for now .. I mourn the second mother I have lost..
Rest in peace Arleen.. Rest in Peace…

Too old for this shit...

2006-12-14T06:13:00.000-08:00

Remember the days of ramon noodles - 4 for $1.00 ? Remember koolaide and mayo sandwiches ?

Remember blow pops in your hair and those damn plastic pacifiers everyone was wearing around their neck ( maybe a new york thing) ..well my point is that was a while ago - teens maybe even early 20's ( 21 ish) depending on how old you are..

This morning I had to scrap up change to get to work ! yeah I said it ! I tried to hit my 30 year old room mate up for a few dollars and low and behold she was doing the same thing as me ! looking for change in old purses and coat pockets ..

I said to her - We are too damn old for this shit ! Im pushing 30 and I have yet to establish savings - I should NEVA and again I say NEVA be in this situation again . I have a kid- Im a single mom - meaning daddy aint there to help out and seems like SHIT always come up ! ALWAYS -

babygirl got sick this week and I had to use my last 20 to pay for the copay to see the doctor. I am ashamed of myself. not for being broke but because I dont have to be - I make a decent salary- and I have a room mate which cuts my bills in half - so whats my problem ?

Money just seems to go - alittle here - alittle there and next thing you know -the day before pay day my ass is BROKE !

Tomorrow is pay day - I signed up for my IRA at work and am putting in 3% ( the amount my boss will match 100%) I WILL open the new citibank online savings account and set it up for AUTOMATIC deductions every pay period .

I will not put myself in this situation again - Im 28 freaking years old - dont make no sense !

Single ma posted something the other day that really made me think - the question was if someone gets tired enough of their situation will they do something to change it - Well my answer is gonna be YES !

My boss and I got into a argument yesterday. He likes to talk to people as if he use to change their diapers when they shit on themselves as babies - but I dont recall seeing his ass in any of my baby pictures - so i had to put him in his place - he responded by telling me I could leave if i didnt like it - so I proceded to do so--- he then took it back and asked me to stay -

Now mind you - because I dont have my " f*ck him fund" intact my ass had to stay ..

yet another reason for me to get my ish together .. Thats it for now yall - let me get back to the grind

I'm back

2006-12-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

Yeah I been missing in action ! Living life and doing what I gotta do. Just finished this book ! a must read for all. The main focus has been to change my eating habits and get my credit where it need to be ! I started disputing stuff on my reports and have successfully had a few things deleted ! However I need to now contact those companies and work out some type of settlement . I am slowing getting it together to move closer to home ownership.
I started contributing to my company's IRA ( we don’t have a 401K) and on Friday I am going to open an online savings account with Citibank ( free $25 for signing up!) http://www.citibank.com/us/d.htm
Christmas is almost here – last night we put up the tree but I haven’t done any shopping yet ! can u believe it – I am gonna do it all this weekend –

Anyway that’s everything in a nutshell right now – I am trying to decide if I am gonna continue this blog or not – I think I have outgrown it and I benefit more from just reading others blogs- sometimes when you going through something you too busy going through it to talk about what u going through – feel me …

Cycling class

2006-11-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

As i told you guys I upgraded my Ballys membership so I could go to the sports club near my job. I am gonna try to go to a class on my lunch breaks mon-friday.

Today I took a cycling class - kicked my butt ! WHEW - my knees started aching, i was sweating and shit but I made it through 40 mintues.

For anyone who wants a serious work out this is the class to take - never knew riding a bike could be so tiring !

I WILL HAVE THOSE ABS !

2006-10-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

I WILL HAVE THOSE ABS - or at least something close ! I turned 28 and for years now I been saying im gonna get my ass in shape ! Well its time its time its time ! and not so much for the abs really - for the health.

I am a member or Ballys and if you know anything about Ballys you know there is the regular

fitness club and there is the Sports Club - the Sports Club offers towels, jacuzzi, pool etc etc while the fitness club doenst offer any of those things - no not even towels ! the good thing about the fitness club near my house is they do offer child care !

But by the time I get home, cook, and change I am not trying to go back out to no gym ! and I have to be to work at 8:30am so before work isnt an option being that I have to take babygirl to school . SOO I upgraded my membership to be able to go to the Sports club two blocks from my job !

I have already started drinking 8 cups of awater a day - a huge improvement for me being that I wasnt drinkin any! so this is the next step in the health makeover .

Give me 6 months yall - I will loose 10 pounds ( brining me to 135) and I will I WILL have those abs !

28 years ! Im still here !

2006-10-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today I turned 28 years old ! THANK YOU LORD FOR ANOTHER YEAR ! AMEN AMEN AMEN

I am listening to this song by Kirk Franklin - " Imagine me"

Imagine me ....loving what I see when the ....mirror looks at me cause I... imagined me

In a place of no insecurities and I finally have because I imagined me

Letting go..of all of the ones who hurt me..cause they never did deserve me..Lord can you imagine me

Saying no..to thoughts that try to control me ..remembering all you told me ..can you imagine me ?

Over what my momma said and healed from what my daddy did and ..
I wanna live in the way you pathed for me..

Imagine me being free..trusting you ..totally..

Finally I can ..imagine me ..!

Beautiful Beautiful !

God help me to trust this year - help me to love and allow myself to be loved

Help me be a good mommy - help me be a good friend - Help me Imagine Me as you want me to be ! AMEN AMEN

2006-10-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

Single ma's post today on Whats its like to be poor really hit home for me .. ( sorry mama forgot how to link its been awhile now)

My last post was on paying off all my bills. and now i have the extra money to do some of the things I been wanting to do . I think its important to remember that poor can mean different things to different people. Being able to put food on the table but not buy christmas presents may be poor for someone.

Not being able to put food on the table, or struggling to do so , or needing help to do so - may be what someone else considers poor. I grew up poor but didnt realize I was..

My shoes had holes in them and yes mama put cardboard in the bottom to cover the whole cause she had to wait till that next pay period to buy new ones . Most of my clothes were hand me downs and yes we went to good will - but we were excited about it and didnt realize that wasnt what everyone else was doing.

Now Im all grown up and my babygirl has so much more than I did - but i still cant give her all the things I want to and yes sometimes I still struggle- so if I am all out of money ( yes and I mean all out ! ) till the next paycheck ..am I poor? Or does the fact that I have a paycheck coming mean Im not poor at all ..

This coutry as we all know basically is becoming two classes - Poor & rich - the middle class is becoming smaller and smaller

We can debate about what poor is to who - but the bottom line is this - Thank God for what you have cause there is always someone who has less

Celebration !!!

2006-10-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

Ok people I did it ! I did it ! I paid off my bills !

Rent - ZERO
Cable - ZERO
Cell Phone - ZERO

oh yeah baby ! now I can concentrate on savings and all that other good stuff ..like SHOPPING !

HAHA

carry on..

Makeova Pains

2006-09-29T13:57:00.000-07:00

Well as you all know fixing my teeth is part of my life makeover - Well well well - I found out that due to my neglect which was due to my fear of the dentist which in turn was due to the fact that novicane ( spelling ? ) shots dont work for me ; I have a full mouth of cavities !

We started working on them about 2 months ago - pain pain pain - drilling and more driling and shots and more shots cause those shots didnt work -

The result for the front teeth came out pretty good ( mind you now - she had to go back and fix it cause the first fill in came out )

But the teeth on the bottom were filled with silver after she ensured me that it wouldnt show much because they were so small - WRONG ! it shows and it looks bad - So eventually that will have to be replaced with white

I HAVE to find a dentist that can knock me out and do this shit - I got 8 - YES EIGHT shots and I still felt that shit when she was drilling - electric shots through my teeth - I cried through the whole damn thing

Well ..thats that for that - I will not be going back until I can find a dentist that will knock my ass out and do what he or she gotta do ..

Who are you ?

2006-09-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

If you are anything like me you often daydream about who you would like to be – who you would be as a person if all you ish was in order..

Some of us accomplish those things and become the person we always wanted to be – some of us – most of us just continue to daydream

I have a vision of this woman – the future me - the confident, financially secure, beautiful Stephanie – she is moving through life happy – great personality always smiling and always making things happen

Then there’s the present me – insecure, broke, cute – kinda letting life hit her in the head – ok personality – always frowning and trying to get shit done – see the difference –

Now the question is how do I get the present me to be the future me – or am I doomed to be one of those people who just daydream about who I would like to be –

I’m often told that I am too hard on myself – but if I become complacent what is there to motivate me to improve ?? besides what people see externally I want to be happy – I want to have an internal peace-

The hard question is HOW ? Isnt this what life is all about anyway – pursuing the “perfect you” the “ ideal you”

I have considered that it may be God that helps me get to that perfect me – perhaps prayer and occasionally attending church- or maybe meditation – yoga , who knows

All I know is I want to get there …

Therapy ?

2006-09-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

Its not news that I been through my share of stressful experiences - but the mystery lies in figuring out how to deal with the residue of that stress...

I went to the doctor this past weekend. I haven't been feeling well and wanted to get checked out - The doctor asked me if I've been under alot of stress - I said yes - she said what - I told her whats happened recently she asked have you been through alot of traumatic events in your life , so I gave her the run down .. ( its always crazy for me to summarize the last 28 years of my life in 5 minutes for someone) .. anyway

She concluded by saying that I should consider anti depressants. That even though I am functioning everyday and working and living and all that good stuff, the stress I am going through and the residue of past experiences is hurting my body..

Anti Depressants ? Nah not me , " Why not" , I dont need them, and beside no pill is gonna fix what has happened to me - if anything it just numbs it - now tell me how that helps ?

Why are doctors so quick to medicate you ? I told her I was going to start praying again and maybe going to church - she told me to use what God has given me , my brain - and allow myself to be helped - uh yeah - but God didnt give me no anti depressants..

Why did I start this blog ? As therapy - simply putting my story out there and knowing Im not the only one dealing with the things I deal with - knowing that even though I dont know none of yall personally - your family -

I'm here - I'm here and Im living - I may not be perfect and yeah I have alot of insecurities and hang ups and all that - but I aint betting my kid, I aint doping up, and I aint hoe'ing - and it wasnt antideppresants that kept me from doing it -

Faith vs Coincidence

2006-09-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog Family,

As I mentioned before I am considering going back to church. Can't really pin point what it is that I drawing me back but its there - its been about 8 years since I left the church. I havent prayed much or read my bible, my faith was pretty much lost for awhile.

Now dont get me wrong I said my lay me downs and Lord please protect my baby, but the relationship I had with our Father before is long gone, until recently.

Going through all the things that I have in my life the only thing that kept me sane was my Lord, the only thing Im certain..

Now here I am years later and I have walked away from that faith. In my mind its not that simple to go back. Yall know how church people can be , some of the biggest hypocrites on the earth and they will do their best to make you feel like you are going to hell if you dont tithe, praise and show up in church every sunday. But im not living for them , im living for me and my Lord, and I feel , rather I KNOW that God isnt judgemental like people are.

I was praying about a job that I wanted , and I didnt get it . Then last week I got a call that the girl that was offered the job decided to stay at her job and they wanted me. Faith or coincidence ? can't really say ..

For now I will slowly began to make my way back to my faith and whatever it may turn into. I seriously doubt I will ever be a holy roller again - I just dont see things that way I use to - life does that to you - but I know that I need the Lord in my life again ... thank goodness God is more forgiving then men...

needed to vent

2006-09-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

I feel so "full" today - I havent prayed in a long time - every since I left that church my faith and prayer have slowly deteriorated..

I remember when I was in the church there was nothing I didnt believe God could do . If i just believed enough - now I am alot older and alot wiser and still believe that God will bless and protect me, but I also understand that we dont always understand the decisions that our Father makes..

I am full - full of emotions and full of anticipation. I know time flies but why is it that when you are in a situation you dont like it seems to drag on forever?

Its silly little things like wanting carpet .. I know crazy right? I want lavendar carpet and cream colored walls and a big canopy bed with a wicker chair next to it to read and meditate in the mornings..

I'm closing to my goals now then a month ago so I should feel like I am making progress but they say before you see the light it gets even darker. I am one payment away from being caught up with my rent .. yet even though its only two weeks away - this month seems so long -

I guess Im just tired of struggling - not being able to get a french manicure if I want to - or buy a new jacket or whateva the case may be.. its those little things that make gettin up and going to work with it everyday ..

Just needed to vent today......

Life and Death

2006-09-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

Life and Death can not exist without the other - but no one expects to die in their 20's,30's or even 40's. So when something like this happens to people- everyone is hit with the reality of Life and Death. We dont know when it will come or how it will come .. but it will come..

Things like this only further show me that I should press and continue to strive for my goals. I want to live my life to the fullest because we never know when it may be over . Seeing the images of the people jumping from the plane chill my heart - to have to make that type of decision to jump from a burning building - knowing you arent going to live ..

Father bless and comfort the families that lost love ones that day.. and help us who are here to appreciate life and the blessing we have...

Mommy Stresses

2006-09-05T09:11:00.001-07:00

Hey Blog Fam,

My babygirl started 1st grade today ! I did her hair all nice ( need to get a camera! ) in twist and she wore her brand new uniform. I didnt get to meet her teacher this morning .. they said to come back when school lets out to meet her new teacher..now how do i do that? I work full time !

Geesh man - I feel like working full time is keeping me from being a part of my baby's life the way I want to be .. This new babysitter fee is KILLING ME ! 600 a month - 300 from each check-

I have started to research afterschools in the area that are free but they fill up fast and I have to find someone to drop her off - and I still have to find someone to keep her when she is out of school ( arghh)

Anywho - I am on my way to being out of debt ! end of september I should be there ( give or take a hundred or two) Lord please help me !

It will free up so much money for me . I know Im talking about the same shit yall - but this is what im going through right now ..

yall pray for me

Mommy Stresses

2006-09-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

4 weeks to go ...

2006-08-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

4 weeks to go before I dont owe any back rent..

I am very excited - once I am out of debt it will open alot for me finacially - besides the emotional burden of owing someone money it will free up a lot of cash ..

I completely blew my budget this weekend- uniforms for destiny came up to 90 bucks ! and I didnt even get shoes - now I know its not alot but when u dont have alot its alot .. I look forward to the day when 90 bucks will be nothing to me ..

95% of my financial problems are due to bad management - and I am promising myself and God that I will handle my money better from now on.. I cant live paycheck to paycheck with a child - as you guys who have children know - things ALWAYS pop up - if I didnt have the support of my man I would be in a horrible bind many times !

Anywho moving on...

Baby Daddy Drama

He surfaces every couple years and claims he wants to know her but never follows through - I'll save you all the details - but this is the last cycle for him - no more

Work is work... lol

Work out - are few and far in between - gotta get back on track

Babygirl starts school next week - im happy to get back into a schedule with her

thats it for now

Lots to update on ..

2006-08-22T06:51:00.000-07:00

Hey blog fam..

Had to take a moment to regroup - finally got some things in order..

Babysitter -

After placing an ad for a babysitter and receiving numerous responses of college kids charging 20 bucks an hour which for 4 hours per day (3-7 ) would have cost me 400 a week ! I almost quit my damn job and became a stay at home mom !

I talked to family continued to place ads and the prices got down to about 9 an hour - 180 a week - 720 a month .. ok gettin better but still crazy !

I did some tallying and came up with an affordable rate of 600 a month - which is about7.50 an hour to pick her up from school - take her to her tutoring two days a week and keep her the others until I get home from work. Now mind you after gettin a room mate this is still more than my half of the rent ..but I digress..

So I spoke to family and friends and turned out my aunt isnt working right now so I gave her the gig - final negotiated price of 600 per month + a monthly metrocard - cost to me 676.00!
But she is with family and she is safe - and away from the bed bugs ..

Work

My attitude about working to pay bills has become apparent in the last few weeks. My boss told me it seemed like I wasnt happy ( noooooo?) anyway - we had a few discussions and I decided to take the receptionist position because they were unhappy with her. So I went from office manager to receptionist for the same salary ! HELLO !

Needless to say Im feeling less stressed out answering phones and filing- you may be wondering " wont you get bored" hell to the naw ! I am concentrating on building my business and my wealth and I want to do the least amount of work possible for another corporation other than my own ! No point in moving up the corporate ladder and moving further away from what i want to do in life- which is get off the damn laddder ! You guys know I'm allergic to working for someone anyway..

Finances -

I have set up plans with the people I owe to get out of debt - so far so good -

Business

Third eye is going well ( www.vrtmg.com/sstewart) I have a presentation coming up at the Harlem Tea Room ! I am gettin all my materials together and hopefully will sign some people up !

Will post tomorrow telling you guys about the credit restoration . It works and its legal !

Physical makeover

Havent worked out with all the stress - so cant report any improvements yet.. getting back on track soon !

Babysitter Blues and Shit

2006-08-03T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have been in an emotional battle regarding my daughters babysitter. Think I told you guys my poor baby broke out in Hives end of the school year - we took her to the ER and we couldnt figure out what it was that was causing the hives

so they go away and a few weeks later another outbreak ..this has been going on every few weeks the whole summer - SO - my babysitter comes to me and tells me she has BED BUGS ! that some lady next door to her has them from an old mattress and appartently she got them from her..

So i start wondering - could it be the bugs biting my child ?? So anyway - the babysitter says she is gettin her shit in order etc etc .. so i say fine im gonna give her some time - but in the meantime keep my child outside in the park after camp and let her play in the sprinklers- i dont want her going in the house ..

Now yesterday was 100 something degrees ..and I guess she just couldnt bare the heat - the babysitter that is- while the children were in the sprinklers.. so they went inside - and what do you think happened ? My child came home with hives..

I feel bad - really bad - but i decided to let her go - she and I have become cool and of course my child likes her and her daughter - and its hard to find a new babysitter last minute ..

let me give you some history; i met her at my daughters school - she would walk to the kids to afterschool and bring them home - everyone knew her - she is about 40 ish , stay at home mom, been in the hood for about 18 years - so figured cool..

worked out well all year from sept -june..this summer she start slacking, showing up late, phone gettin turned off etc..now how u a babysitter and dont have a cell phone on at all times ?

anyway i felt bad for her cause she is a nice lady but dont have no motivation so i tried to stick with her ..until this happened. My childs health is more important. So i called her late last night and told her i couldnt let destiny come ova there anymore

i got a month till school start - between cousins, friends etc i am gonna have destiny picked up from camp..

I have looked into the Y for september- they have a bus service - they charge about 500 a month for afterschool wtih transportation - yeah ouch ..but hey it is what it is ..

i been slacking on my workouts - got bills from the damn dentist even AFTER paying a 80 dollar copay and my birth control is 50 bucks HUH ? why ? im paying 400 a month in insurance and i still gotta pay 50 bucks copay for BC ?

anyway thats it for today - yall aint giving me no love no way ! HAHA

Hey people

2006-07-31T06:20:00.000-07:00

Hey people thanks so much for all the positive comments.

I know my body isn’t that bad but I want improvement, and its not so much about how I look either yall. Remember my mother AND father died of cancer. So I have to start taking care of myself, eating right, working out etc..its about a lifestyle change not so much about how I look ( that’s just an added bonus )

Anyway, went away with the man this weekend and hit up dorney park, was nice to get away for a quick weekend.

As I told you guys before I applied for a transfer for my daughter. The school she is in is low performing and highly populated with Mexicans who dont speak English as their first language. A lot of the kids don’t speak English at all. So the school is really geared toward Spanish speaking population. Any events held at her school are FIRST spoken in Spanish and then translated into English. This is VERY frustrating for me when I attend any events, of course Im sitting there like “ um ok , why is English second??” Im sitting there waiting for interpretation in my own damn country. Outside of the language barrier, I know for a fact that the school in our neighborhoods don’t perform as well as the schools in the downtown neifghborhoods, ( white kid schools)

Anywhoo, when they sent me a package offering me the opportunity to transfer destiny to a school downtown I jumped on it. I choose two school that I had been researching for a while anyway and wanted to get her into.

I waited for a few weeks and finally got the letter on Friday. To my surprise they stated that they were unable to transfer her to the schools I chose because “ priority is given to low performing, low income students first” They then offered me a school up the freaking block from the school she is in right now !

I am so heated. So because my daughter ism’t dumb and/or poor she doesn’t get first priority in going to a better school ? HUH ?

So anyway, I am considering private. Probably a charter school..will keep you guys updated.

Secondly, part II of my life makeover ..my smile. I went to the dentist and found out there is a A LOT of work to be done. Because of years of not going and not flossing ( never got into the habit) I have a bunch of decay that needs to be prepared ( cavities) I got my first fill in, in the front. It was painful, yes painful ! I am a sucker when it comes to my mouth and pain.. ( that’s why I haven’t gone in years) . I also plan to get veneers to straighten my teeth.

Before – Summer 06’

Not too bad again - but room for improvement . Cavities filled, teeth straightened and whitened

Didn’t get to work out this weekend will hit the gym after Score tonight.. ( lord that program is hurting my pockets ! )

Talk to you guys soon

Going out on a Limb here...

2006-07-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

You eva think you look good in something then u catch a glimpse of yourself in the shop window as you pass or see a picture of yourself and think " Damn thats what i look like? " I'm sure everyone has had one of those moments

Well as part of my LIFE MAKEOVER.. my physical health is one of the priorities in my life. I took pictures of myself so that when my shit is TIGHT i can look back and see where I have come from .. I will retake the pictures every 30 days to track my progression

So here goes.. I'm stepping out on a limb and exposing myself for the greater good ! lol

BEFORE Pics - 7/2006

BACK VIEW - see the waist trying to peek through - can you say back fat - no dont get me wrong i know i dont look horrible but i need to improve !

Side Profile - This is an area that is hard for us all - the gut - but see how having a gut makes everything else look bad..

And last but not least- Front View - now this one isnt that bad - u dont see the fat on the back or the way the gut sticks out - my pouch kindy just sits there ..and as you can see i have the potential for curves if i can just get the mid section together..

So thats it people .. I will post pics of other areas I am working on soon ..teeth..skin etc..

Be gentle with the comments LOL

Do schedules help people to be productive ?

2006-07-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

I admire my man.. he works out on a regular basis and for the most part doesnt let anything distract him from that. free concert tickets, sex, hanging out ..whateva..he will work out first and do those things second... I am realizing I need to have set schedules for myself to be productive also, a realistic sensible way of how I would like my days and weeks to go .

This is what im doing now...

Mommy Duties:
I enrolled destiny in a program called SCORE www.escore.com . This program tutors children on reading, math etc through using computer games and programs. She has been going for a month. Twice a week for an hour and its costing me 180 bucks a month. SO you can see why i need to make sure she is there. Of course after getting out of work, running uptown to get her and then making it to Score , Im pooped and sometimes dont want to go. BUT i have stuck to it ..
Mondays and Wednesdays

Working out
I like to work out on the days that we dont have Score. Tuesdays and Thursdays.. ( need to add another day in there) So far I havent been sticking to this. Although I did go Tuesday this week . This is something that has recently become pretty important to me. Thinking about the fact that Im gettin older and how both my parents were just a few years older than me when they passed away. I dont know if cancer can be prevented or not , but I can at least do my part by trying to stay healthy.
Tuesdays and Thursdays

House stuff
I need to straighten up my house everyday. Im no neat freak but i do like my house clean..the problem is the work it takes to keep it that way - my place is roomy, and there are two kids in the house - which means constant picking up and puttin away, washing dishes everyday, sweeping everyday etc.. so this is a habit I am trying to get into to do everyday instead of once a week for 4 hours
Everyday

Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays
I like to leave my weekends open. I like to be able to wake up late if i I want, plan hair appointments, laundry whateva ( actually I like to do laundry during the week)
This is also the time I get to spend with the man.. So I'm thinking I may add in laundry on Friday mornings before work and jog will the laundry is in the machine ( dont know how this will work out for the winter)

Anywho.. this is the proposed schedule that I want to work on to see if it works ( I actually prefer to work out in the mornings before work - gym opens at 6 am)

Monday
Work, Score, Home, Dinner/bath, straighten up, Bed

Tuesdays
Gym, Work, Home, Dinner/bath, straighten up, Bed

Wednesday
Work, Score, Home, Dinner/bath, straighten up, Bed

Thursday
Gym, Work, Home, Dinner/bath, straighten up, Bed

Friday
Laundry, Work, Home, Dinner, relax ( usually game night with the man and family)

Saturday, Sunday
Hair appointments, hang out, relax etc

I need to get an extra work out day in there - hummm

My Life Make Over

2006-07-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

Hey Hey ,

So this is my new look and I think I like it .. as I mentioned before , I really want to begin to implement the changes in my life that I have been avoiding for so long.

All of them require discipline of course, and I think its time I got my ish together.. I am still figuring out all the HTML and such so give me some time with that -

I think I will start out with three priorities at a time rather than trying to accomplish them at the same time.

Get out of Debt and establish savings
Fix Credit
Maintain a workout schedule, Improve Eating habits
Fix Teeth
Improve Skin
Create a spiritual connection again with God

I did six because #'s 4 and 5 are in process right now . I have scheduled my dental appointments and started a new skin regimine ( proactive)

#1 is in progress if i stick to my budget !

#2 will be in progress shortly

#3 - I joined a gym, but i need to go more regulary

I think # 6 is the hardest- I have to figure out the best way to do this - with just prayer- or going back to church etc..

Well i gotta get back to work - talk to u guys soon

new site

2006-07-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

working on my new look yall and new theme..

Here we go ...

2006-07-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

For months I have been "talking" about getting things in order havent I ?

Well I have decided to start posting my project budget and actual budget for each pay period. I already do this myself but I think posting it and keeping track of whats actually being spent may help me some.

We were suppose to go to Sesame Place this weekend but decided to reschedule because of the pending rain forecast. We will be going on Labor Day weekend.

Instead I took Destiny to see that movie Monster House, can I just say this is not a good movie for a 6 year old. It was like a cartoon horror, alittle scary for us lol . We also went roller skating in Riverbank Park, which was only 5 bucks per person including the skate rental.

Man, me , des, and his niece went and had a good time. Destiny is so brave ! she kept falling but wouldnt let us help her . Everytime I tried to pick her up she said " Mommy, I've got to learn by myself ! " I mean she fell every two minutes but kept getting back up for an hour and a half ! Thats my baby. I HAVE to get a camera - I'm missing precious moments here !

Sunday night we all ( me, man, sista, her man, kids, roomates etc) had a game night. This is a tradition we started about a year ago. We make mixed drinks, hamburgers etc and play games like scrabble, taboo, uno etc. It never ceases to amaze me how one couple or both end up gettin into arguments LOl , the women always play agaisnt the men. And the men get really sensitive when we are winning, there is name calling, whinning all sorts of things LOL ..

But even with all that we all have fun and want to play again LOL

So there was a twist of events at my job, as I was posting my resume and looking for jobs, my boss was working on changing my position here at the company . I am going to be moving into a different position. I will actually be working offsite at a clients office, I'm so excited it means more independence !

Anyway people , I will be posting my budget later today

Positive Mentalities

2006-07-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how your mentality can positively affect your situations. One thing I realized about me is that if I dont feed my mind with positive stuff , it will be filled with negative vibes.

I find that I get in these ruts wishing things were different but in turn doing nothing to change the situatuion..

I can honestly say EVERYDAY I am asking myself how I can improvem, what should be different about my life, anyone that knows me can tell you ..all I read is self improvement books, listen to motivational tapes etc etc.. I like to surround myself with positive people that are moving in the same direction as me..

However with all the good energy flowing I still feel stagniant.. I spend most of my time wishing things were better, different but in the end it seems that I havent made any significant changes.. what is it ? Is it just time, am I just too hard on myself.

I have met other people like me, and we spend most of our lives frustrated. Not being able to be content with anything.. always feeling like there is something better out there. Take this job for instance, not a BAD job per say, the boss is crazy but its a small company and for the most part people leave me alone. I have decent insurance and can finally get my grill fixed, and get to the doctor, BUT I dont want to be here LOL

What is it ? I know that it is going to take YEARS to get my own business off the ground and the problem with that is I have figure out WHICH BUSINESS TO START OFF WITH ! The curse of a creative mind.. God has given me all these talents but im having a hard time channeling them ..

Here is a list of the areas i would like to get into

Party/Event planning ( possibly childrens parties and adult too)

Afterschool and /or school

Brochure, website design

As you can see these are all areas in which i feel I would be able to express my creative nature .. as opposed to

Executive Assistant
Receptionist
Office Manager

hummm...see the difference LOL

anyway people, sorry I havent been around been dealing with life..my little girl is growing up and so am I .. I gotta get a pic of her missing tooth for yall ..

Be back soon

Hey People

2006-06-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

Hey People,

I'm back from the dead ! I had to take a much needed break but I have been keeping up with all of you !

Lots of updates to give..

Work
Same old same..I started a job as a office manager at a staffing agency, what can I say ? its a job ..

Destiny
My babygirl graduated kidnergarten ! She also lost a tooth . I will post pictures as soon as they are developed. She isnt dealing too well with grandma's death. but its the first time she has experienced this so I expect alot of crying and talking about it for awhile..

Man & Me
We just had our anniversary ( 1 year ! ) and celebrated in Nassau, Bahamas
It was cool, hotel was so so..Nassau Palm Resort..if you go dont stay there !

Life in general
My aunt is in the hospitial from depression..some people just cant deal with the shit life throws your way...Im dealing with the same shit as usual , trying to figure out a way to get my life in order and do something i enjoy career wise.. in the meantime yall Im here and Im living..

Ill be posting on the regular again .. until then ...

My reason..

2006-06-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

This is my reason .. for everything I do ..the bullshit jobs I put up with ... living paycheck to paycheck cause she doesnt understand that we are "poor" .. and I dont want her to be burdened with things like that ..

As a child my mother didnt have much but we had no idea. We played, ate and were entertained.

Destiny keeps telling me she wants to play soccer. Isnt that amazing ! My little african american ( mixed) baby wants to play soccer.. I love it. She has aspirations and in her mind isnt limitied by race or financial status. We went to the park sunday and I called myself working out ..she ran around the track with me and saw the kids that were visiting from the West Side Soccer league and said mommy - can I go play with them .

There wasnt one black kid on the field, all white girls.. but destiny didnt seem to care or mind.. and I thought that was great . No intimidation at all !

she then got on the monkey bars and hung upside down and swung back and forth, as I held my breath. I try not to be too protective over her.. and i think her fearlessness is wonderful.

I'm at work now..and so far so good. I decided to start off with a blog. People Im gettin focused, Kultured Kids will soon be a reality ! No more excuses for me .. its time for action

Grandma's memory is still strong with me, young brother still not doing anything at the age of 20 and im scared for him , how will he eat when the house is taken away in 3 months, where will he stay.. these are the things I have been dealing with..

Anyway blog fam... Im back and will try to post on a more regular basis...but im still going through it ..

some much needed R&R in VA

2006-06-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

Transistions

2006-05-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me personally know that I have had my share of ups and downs in life. With the recent death of my great grandmother is seems that I am trying to maintain the balance between going into a depression and staying sane. I have a babygirl , a good guy in my life and people who love me ..but no matter how good the present is as most of you know the past will always be a part of who you are.. A big part for me. I smile, I move through life but there is a part of me that is very sad and very scarred. No I dont walk around crying, and depressed as a matter of fact I cant remember the last time I cried, something happens in the mind of humans that causes them to become numb to pain after there has been too much of it. I think its a survival mechanism, at least thats what my logic tells me. Im tired of people telling me there is something wrong with me because I cant be happy on a job, because im not o.k. with renting an apartment and living paycheck to paycheck. I know how short life is and in my 27 years I have seen alot of death. So as I think I told you guys before I took this long break ( much needed by the way) I decided to leave the job I loved but couldn’t afford ( low pay) and got a “real job” . I am now convinced that something is wrong with me.

It usually takes about 3 months for me to start dreading a job ..wake up in the morning like DAMN..watch the clock while im there etc.. the “problem” is I”ve never had a problem finding a job so I keep leaving them when I get bored and getting a new one.

The job I have now requires long hours and is stressful .. so of course Im ready to leave .. I’m trying to figure out if Im being unrealistic in thinking that I can have a job that I actually enjoy ?

Talk to me people …

..I"m back

2006-05-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, ( or whoever is still looking for me) I didnt drop off the face of the earth.. I was just taking some time to recoop.

Lots going on on this side of town. I changed jobs TWICE ! my great grandmother died and a host of other little things.

Yes I took the job that I "loved" only to find out that I couldnt work the hours they needed me to or survive on the pay :-(

Fortunatly a day after putting my resume back on Monster, I got an interview and a job offer for 15K more than what I was going to be making at my "dream job"

So yes people I have come back to corporate America and stepped into a job that entails alot more than I realized when I interviewed ( already stressed out ! )

My great grandmother died. She was 90 years old. She was the glue of the family. Being that most of us dont like each other anyway I cant see many of us still speaking after this. The fangs have already come out and people are arguing over who gets what.

Im still not 100% myself but Ill be back on track soon. Until then you guys pray for me .

P.S. Singlemom , I got " Girl get your money straight" and its AWESOME ! now that I have decent pay I can get myself in order !

I'm ok ..

2006-05-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm ok everyone .. thanks for the well wishes - I"ll be back soon - going through some stuff

Finally PICS !

2006-04-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

Shout out to singlema for hooking me up with the HTML ! I put my goals on the side ova there. Every since I started this blog I have been reluctant about really letting loose. But shit the reason I started it is to vent and get shit off my chest so FUCK IT ! This is my place and I"m gonna say what the fuck I want to. ( and no that isnt directed toward anyone- I'm yelling at my own dumb ass for worrying about what people think HAHA)

Moving on.. Pics from my baby's day

Divas !

2006-04-17T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hey people,

So as you guys know this weekend was the Birthday Diva Slumber Party ! We had a great time and I will post pictures soon.

Destiny really enjoyed herself. I ended up making the t-shirts myself, was gonna order them from www.zazzle.com where you can customize t-shirts for a pretty good price. But it was above my budget.

This is where the pics were but Blogger is buggin out right now so I'll post them later

There were six girls ..I was the Head Diva of course HAHA !
They werent excited about the roller coaster
This is the Birtday girl

I took them to the park the next day ..

All in all they had a good time.. and im tired !

Money, Money ..makes the world go round

2006-04-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

Mama I dont know how you did it. Three children to support with no help. You raised us on your own, we never went hungry. we didnt have the latest sneakers , but you made sure to always buy us new school clothes and give us movie money. How did you do it ?

It never crossed my mind as a child how you were maintaining . All I knew was the things I needed were there. I dont remember ever going to the fridge and seeing it empty. God bless you Ma..

Here I am a mother and trying to do the same thing you did- not with three ( I cant even imagine) but one, and no support from her dead beat punk ass father. I've taken jobs I hated cause they paid well ..and now for the first time I am doing something I want to do career wise.. but I'm worrying.

I got a room mate so I know that will help in the long run , of course there are certain things you give up with that also.

I read the blogs about being financially savy etc etc, but I feel hopeless right now. The money Im bringing home is barely making it. If I could just get caught up I would be o.k.

I am going to take a day off ( lost pay of course) and go file for child support. I know its a very lengthy process and I may not even get it( dont know if he is working on the books or not) but I am going to do it.

I am trying to keep faith that one day I can provide a home for my daughter and I.

As the world turns..part II

2006-04-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a talk with my daughter. I started off by explaining to her how important it is to be honest with me and how I am the one that is going to take care of her and protect her etc etc .. I asked her if she wanted to change her story about anything that happened. She said no.

I then told her that her cousin was saying that she was the one who initiated everything and never told him to stop. She said no mommy thats not true, I didnt like it so why would I tell him to do it ? I then told my sister this and of course she believes her son.. We kinda got into it about honesty and how we may not get the truth but she needs to address him about being honest also. She wanted to just squash the whole thing because as she put it , he was very uncomfortable talking about it.

Im sayin gto myself yeah cause your his mom, he doenst want to show YOU his little wee wee.

Anyway long story short, the time my daughter spends over there will be limitied. Not because of what happened but because of how it was handled. As a little girl I want to know I can trust my sister to protect her , whether she be accusing her cousin or her uncle or the neighbor.

I believe my daughter and I told her that, and I told her it was very important for her to always come to me, no matter what.My sister made a comment, "well I dont want this to escaulate to the point of her accusing one of us" I said to her, so you think she is lying then? cause why would that even cross your mind if you don think she is falsly accusing your son ?

Now of course I am concerned about her acting a certain way toward my daughter which i will NOT tolerate. nor her husband nor her son..as far as I am concerned they can go ahead with their little family unit without us..

I know I may be harsh but I am the only mommy she has and its my job to protect her from harm, physical, emotional or otherwise..

P.S. Another reason I believe my daughter is she asked me if her cousin was going to be spanked, I said I dont know - she said I dont want him to be spanked I just want him to know this is inappropriate ! Yes my baby of 6 years old said that ! Great kid...fuck everyone else.. I believe my baby

Hey- Changed Post

2006-04-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

Ok I decided to add more to my post for today - Mothers I need some advice about something

As I mentioned before my daughter who is about to turn 6 is very smart, very curious.. and well a handful at times. The other day she told me that she and her little cousin ( a boy) had an"incident" that was pretty upsetting to me.

Now of course kids explore their bodies and want to know what others look like etc , this is expected. My daughter told me that he kissed her and touched her and showed her his "thing" and that she didnt like it and told him to stop. She was very upset while telling me this , and she initiated telling me also ( not like I found them or caught them doing something) Anyway I told her that I was happy she came to me and that she should always come to me about these things and that I would speak to her aunt about it all.

Now of course my sister was upset and spoke to her son, who then gave a very different story, that is actually was my daughter who intiated the whole thing. now this is where the problem comes in. If my daughter is indeed lying I would be very upset because of course she has to realize that she CAN NOT make up stories like that because she could get someone in serious trouble. Also if my nephew is lying he has to understand that when a girl says no it means no.

I am going to talk to her again and talk to them together to try and get the truth out. Its just hard fo rme to believe this because of the detail she had and how upset she was. I am a mess over here I swear. If it turns out she is lying I dont think she deserves this birthday party. Is that too harsh ? I dont spank her so I dont see any other way to get it across how wrong lying about stuff like this is..

what do you guys think ? how do you know when your child is lying if its their word againsnt someone else's ? and what do you do if it turns out they are lying about such a sensitive topic

Thanks

2006-04-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks guys for all the supportive words.. Yes I know I will be fine - I'm taking a break today - babygirl is sick with a fever- gotta get her well before this weekend

Its her DIVA SLUMBER PARTY !!!

Aint this a Bitch !

2006-04-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

I feel I should put a disclaimer or warning on my blog.. " I curse.. ALOT, why ? Cause I fucking feel like it.."" moving on...

You know people I am beginning to feel like a broken record, saying the same shit over and over again . but I can't escape it.. I feel trapped, in a rut ..living day to day trying to figure out what the hell is holding me back..

This weekend I did something that I had to do, a part of "being grown" as they say. Alot of women I know have done it , once, twice maybe more. It was one of the most emotional decisions I ever had to make. I'm sure the women reading this are already speculating what it could be.. and yes..its that..the ultimate choice that only a woman can decide for herself, because ultimately its the woman who holds the responsibility of it all.

I laid there and closed my eyes, and when I woke up it was over. ..

I know you're probably thinking , BUT i thought this is what you wanted ! Yeah I thought so too..but I was being emotional, and silly and well immature. I can't do it alone again, and until that day when both parties are willing to take the step forward in that situation I promised myself I wouldnt do it again. Truth be told I seriously thought it couldnt happen, and maybe , well fuck maybe, thats the real reason I think I wanted it to happen so bad, to know I was ok, but that was stupid, I didnt take into consideration all the other things that come with it.

Before you get mad ladies and yell out " Niggas aint shit" it was my decision ultimately.. I'm living in an apartment in the heart of harlem with a room mate.. trying to pay back past due rent and budget to get my child summer clothes.. you do the math..

So here I am yall..right after posting something about not feeling grown..if this shit dont put some hair on your chest.... Shit I dont know what will..

I'm here and I'm dealing..

P.S. If you aint got something nice to say ..dont say shit at all .. I dont need it ! Trust me I know what I did, I did what I had to do.. and can't nobody beat me up worse than I have myself..
Ok.. I'm done

ahhh ...

2006-04-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

This is where I want to be right now. Back in Juan Dolio, DR. The resort was quiet and kinda of slow for our taste but the weather was beautiful.

This morning I woke up questioning alot of things. What do you see when you look in the mirror ladies ? Do you "feel your age" ? Do you "feel grown? " I'm 28 years old this year and it seems like just yesterday I was celebrating my sweet sixteen ( which ironically enough was everything but sweet- but thats another story)

When I look in the mirror I see a woman that I don't know staring back at me. She looks fairly young and fairly confident. Possibly successful and happy.. Yet I have yet to figure out who I am. Who I am outside of relationship, motherhood, work and all the other things that come with life.

For some reason when I was 17 counting the days until I turned 18 just so I could say "I'm grown" I had this image of adulthood. I thought I would have it all together and figured out by now, but the truth of the matter is I am nowhere close to figuring "it" out. You guys tell me that I'm too hard on myself sometimes. I guess its because I realize how quick this shit goes and how in the blink of an eye it can all be over with.

I have gotten myself into a financial mess. Backed up rent, overdue cell phone bills and such, and I dont know how I got here. Its not like I splurge on purses and shoes and spa trips ( if only) but its just basic mis management of my money.

I want a house by the time I'm 30. Married, single, attached whateva. I can no longer sit around making "plans" that include this possible relationship that may come and fix everything. I have a great guy in my life but truth be told the older and "wiser" I get the more I'm realizing that you can't bet on a relationship, job or anything else for that matter "working" out. You have two different people from two different backgrounds with two different set of issues, trying to create one life together.. whew.. I get exhausted just thinking about it.

Bottom line is in the end its me and mine ( kids) left. People, men, women, jobs come and go and its my responsibility to set my future up for myself and child(ren). I want to be happy, truly truly happy. and what does that even mean ? I imagine a place within myself that is just peaceful. I get one life to live and I dont want to live it like this anymore..day to day, paycheck to paycheck...I want to prepare and build and enjoy it as I go along..

So that's whats on my mind today people.. its raining and sorta snowing here and I'm just thinking out loud..

Until next time..be blessed

Birthday Costs

2006-04-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for your support and comments on my last blog. I accepted the offer with the company I want to work for on Friday. I start the end of April. I think I've made the right decision. Even sitting here now at my desk wishing I was somewhere else and doing something else I think that happiness I receive from going to a job I enjoy everyday outweighs the extra pay I get from a job I dont like

Anyway.. My daughters birthday is coming up as I posted before ( Singlema ) Her party is April 15th. I have decided to throw her a Diva Slumber Party ! I had these tshirts made and invited 5 girls. We will spend the day in the mall, getting our nails done, seeing a movie, carosel ride and having lunch. By the time I get the girls back to the house they will be pooped ! ( my intention) I'll probably let them play dress up , have cake and call it a day ( oh and open the gifts of course)

I have an appointment to let the girls have a "photoshoot" and get some pictures taken with them and the t-shirts on. TOO CUTE !

So the whole things is costing me about 300-400 bucks including a car rental for the weekend ..not too bad I guess.

Happiness for sale $$$$$$

2006-03-31T07:25:00.000-08:00

Morning All

So its friday and I have a decision on my plate to make..

Is there a pricetag for happiness ? Will I sell myself and my happiness for more money ? How about you ?

Remember my post about non-profits vs corporate and how I feel about both . Well it seems that whenever I make a statement about my convictions etc etc they are always put to the test ! ( damn I gotta watch what I say)

I got an offer from a company that I love . A leading computer company. ( think shadows dancing with white headphones) There is a new store opening in manhattan. I LOVE the products and the company itself and have long wanted to be a part of it. So I applied and was offered a full time position with the company. Now the pay isnt as much as I am getting right now but there are full benefits and a list of other perks to consider.

Meanwhile, I had gone on two interviews with another company offering the same type of position that I am doing now . ( executive assistant) which as I mentioned I HATE ! no creativity, corporate environment etc etc. but low and behold about 10K more salary.

I hadnt heard from this company with a decision because the guy I was interviewing with was out of town , so I called and left a message that I had received another offer and wanted to know if they had made a decision. They called me back 4 hours later ! and said to call them first thing this morning..

Now here is the hard decision. If I am offered a job with the corporate job.. making 10K + more do AGAIN let go of my passion ( working in a creative environment) and go for the cash or do I finally pursue a job that I actually would enjoy for less money ?

I have gotten mixed reviews from family and friends. HOWEVER my gut is telling me to go with what I love. I dont want to be miserable in my jobs anymore and would rather give up a couple extra hundred a month to do something I like doing .

Yes, I asked for more at the job I love and was told its not possible right not but I would be up for review in 6 months and also told about the possible bonuses that I could make..

what would you guys do ?

I was tagged

2006-03-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by INSANE.. 6 revealing, strange/quirky things about myself..

1. I sniff myself constantly

2. I crack my toes - my sister hates it

3. People get on my nerves.. I often daydream while people talk to me to keep from showing how annoying they are on my face

4. when im thinking real hard i rub my thumb and middle finger together while I think ( you know like when your saying money money money

5. I suck my food and drink before swallowing them. Seriously its weird I cant just swallow juice I suck it in like a baby. LOL

6. I secretly look at womens asses .. i love big round asses and am suprised I havent gotten caught yet LMAO

Fashion and its affect on perception

2006-03-29T07:40:00.000-08:00

You ever look at someone and say to yourself.. Damn she looks well off or , dang that childs sneakers are busted? My point is clothes, apperance for that matter really says alot about a person and the outside world percieves you a certain way.

I have come across people that always look put together. Clothes neat, hair neat, nails neat etc etc. Automatically I assume their whole lives are put together. How true is that ..who knows

Then I come across those that always have stains on their clothes..or bad fitting clothes or just look disshelved. I automatically assume those people's lives are the same they look. How true are these assumptions ?

I have long been aware of the fact that I dont dress the way I want. My apperance doesnt reflect what I want it to reflect, thought the truth of the matter is it does reflect the truth of whats going on in my life. Somewhat put together.. sometimes just thrown together..

When it comes to beauty rituals I'm pretty lazy. I dont like doing my nails, hair, makeup etc etc. But I do like the way all these things look when they are done. I mean for those of you ladies who stay dapper ( Singlemom, Supasista..yall know who you are) I am sure you can vouche that its alot of work to stay so fabulous. and then of course I cant be faboulous and my daughter isnt !

What do you guys think about this ? Do you look and dress the way you want to ? Do you feel your apperance reflects your life ?

Frustrations ..

2006-03-27T06:57:00.000-08:00

I hate mornings ! I swear I do. I get frustrated running around, get upset with my daughter and then feel bad about it and run out the house an emotional mess to go to a job that I hate ! I had several challenges this weekend with my daughter. As I told you guys before I recently got a room mate and she has a daughter. My daughter an her daughter have a love/hate relationship. They fight about almost anything, whose toy is whose, who should wear what etc etc. Now this little girl has an abundance of stuff.. I mean alot of stuff so that doesnt help either. I have never been one to shower my daughter with things, whether they be toys or clothes or anything else for that matter. She has toys dont get me wrong but not an abundance of stuff. So now she is dealing with comparing herself. I try to tell her that she should be grateful for the things that she has but so far it doesnt seem to be working too well.

I havent had many challenges to date with my daughter but I guess the real work begines now. I am still trying to figure out how to be a woman my damn self and in the meantime I gotta teach my daughter to be one..

I am approaching 28 and really starting to feel the frustration of not having anything to show for it. Granted I just recently started thinking about "future plans" for so many years I was really just surviving. But now I am thinking about home ownership and moving out of this crazy city to create a better life for my daughter and I ..

Getting to work in the morning and being able to read the blogs and post my feelings is one of the few things I look forward to. Singlemom posted the below questions on her blog . It really got me thinking , especially # 4 !

1.What were you taught about money as a child?
My mother never really talked about money to me or my two brothers. All I really remember is her workin all the time and budgeting. I would see her write down her budget and have said her little hand written notes to this day. So I guess I learned indirectly that you have to budget.

2. Do (did) you have credit card debt? If yes, what did you buy to accumulate the debt?
I'm not sure how to answer this question. The credit cards I got were when I was between18-22. I paid off some and some were charged off. Are you still responsible for charged off debt ?

3. Now that you're paying (have paid) it off, was the purchase(s) worth it? Why or why not?
No it wasnt worth it- I dont even remember what I used it on. I know it was impulsive buying

4.Do you live from paycheck to paycheck?
Unfortunately yes. Its scary to think about. If I got laid off tomorrow what would I do ? This is very scary in fact !

5.If no, how long could you live if you lost your job tomorrow?
I couldnt, i dont know what I would do

6.What do you spend too much money on? Why?
You know i dont spend alot of un necessary money mainly because there is rarely anything left over after the essentials.

7.What would you do with the extra money if you didn't spend it on the above?
If there was extra money I would save it

8.Is the sacrifice of #7 worth the pleasure you receive from #6?
Doesnt apply I guess

So these questions got me thinking and the result of that thinking is basically the same as all my thinking about financies at this point in my life- I MUST save and have money set aside !

Non-Profit Vs Corporate

2006-03-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

Ok I have finally accepted that I am going to have to work for awhile.. it takes years to start a business and well shoot I got bills to pay..

However every since I started my first corp job at the tender age of 18 I realized that corp america isnt for me ! I dont care how much money I have made over years i just cant get with it. No matter how "nice" a workin environment it is I am miserable in all my jobs.. after I get past the paycheck and cool environment it usually takes me no more than 6 months before Im miserable again.

Except for one job .. I was working at a non profit agency.. I worked with the tenants of the buildings, the children in afterschool and summer camp, I was out in the field talking to people.. I cant remember a day when I hated what I was doing or was miserable.. I was with that job twice and got laid off twice because of budget cuts.

So I went back to what I knew I could get..executive assistant positions. I have often thought something was wrong with me.. why cant I get with it ? Why cant I pour myself into these jobs.. ? Well I have come to the conclusion that this ish isnt meant for me..and Im not gonna be happy until I'm doing what I enjoy again.

Now of course there is a price tag to being happy ..usually in the form of a paycut.. a BIG pay cut. Presently I am grossing 40K, which isnt alot but I KNOW i could make 50-60K if I could play this game and act like i really want to be here .. But like I mentioned before I CANT..

The starting pay for the non profit jobs ( mind you this is high end now) is 30K.. the more I read about finances and such I am realizing though its not always what you have but what you do with what you have.. so yeah i could make it ..

I am going to start to apply for jobs that I really have an interest in. and in the meantime I am going to temp..point blank. After seeing two young people pass away and do nothing but work all their lives for jobs they hated ..its just hard for me to settle anymore..

I am also going to start to pursue my business.. I wont reveal the name just yet ( dont want no one to steal it !) but in summary its a chain of enhancement centers for children of low income backgrounds. Exposing them to the arts, international and domestic travel and academic help..

Pray for me yall .. I feel like Im wasting my life away with these jobs...and its getting harder and harder to bullshit my bosses like I really want to be here too..

HAHA

Talks with myself

2006-03-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

I think I have figured out the appeal of blogging..at least for me..sharing your life experiences with total strangers and getting truly unbias opinions. I mean these people dont know you so they wont benefit or be harmed by your success or failure right ? Right..

I actually think about blogging and the comments and reactions I will get to my post throughout the day. the comments you guys made about my last post.. all the fertility and money issues really got me thinking. Yesterday I took off work, not feeling all that great and decided I would go to the gym. I have missed a week now since my grandmother is in the hospital, Ive been going there instead of the gym.

So as Im listening to "Freak-a-leek" on my headphones and running on the elliptical imagining my behind being like beyonce's one day; you guys came across my mind. and I had a conversation with myself;

Logical Self: "Why are you worried about having another baby right now ? You know it would be irresponsible of you, this relationship is still new, you want a house, etc etc..not to mention you can forget about getting that flat stomach you want anytime soon if you get pregnant"

Emotional Self; " But I want to know we are ok, what if we cant have any more babies, what if there is something wrong, and I love him..what if he doenst want to stay with me if i cant have any babies"

Logical Self; " Listen dumb ass, you gotta get it together, you are young and you made it through alot of shit so far, get yourself together, save some money get your credit in order and buy your house, all those other things will come..and stop worrying about a nigga and what he is or isnt gonna do, thats your problem"

Emotional Self; " Yeah you right.. "Freek-a-leek, how you like it daddy...."

So needless to say I let myself have it..

Today is payday. and before I spend a dime I opening another account and seperating the monies, and starting my savings plan..

I'm a work in progress yall

I'll be back

2006-03-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

Hey people I promise I'll be back tomorrow.. going through some stuff

Blah Monday Morning

2006-03-20T06:40:00.000-08:00

I need a sista girl to bitch to this morning.. My monday didnt start out well AT ALL - first of all I forgot about a direct payment I had set up and it took my last damn 40 bucks ! Yeah thats right - all I had to live off this week was 40 bucks. I realize the problem.

I need two accounts. One to pay bills out of and one to have spending money in - cause I cant sit around worrying if the damn payments went through or not when Im standing in the line at target trying to buy toilet paper.

So here I am broke- I got my metro card and now Im broke. And everytime something like this happens it reminds me why I MUST have back up money somewhere !

When will I get myself together.

Now ladies.. as I have commented a couple times before you know I have a concern with my fertility. I keep getting back on birth control after being off of it for a month or two thinking maybe its not the right time, but every month or two im off of it im concerned that Im not getting pregnant. I'm really worried now. I mean how do you know if ur ok. I had a baby before by accident so I dont get it now why it isnt happening ...

anyway people I just needed to vent.. Im worried and stressed and broke...but hey im alive..

Online Banking and Travel

2006-03-16T06:54:00.000-08:00

Ok people .. I know I been MIA but a sista been here ... ( singlemom shoutout !)

Anyway , whats been going on with me lets see.. been doing alot of reading . I finished Rich Dad, Poor Dad and now I started on The Nine Steps to Financial Freedom by Suz Orman. I like her style..I am up to the first chapter so far and it talks about how our first impressions of money affect how we deal with money as adults. She talks alot about fears associated with money...good so far I'll keep you guys updated.

Singlemom encouraged me to take a look at INGDIRECT in doing so , being the research nut I am, I decided to research other online savings accounts. Turns out ING usual rate is 3.80%, ( they are having a limitied time intro rate of 4.75 until April)

CapitalOne is at 4.25% ( which isnt an intro rate from what i see- its their usual rate)

Emigrant Direct is 4.50

HSBC is at 4.80% (thats an intro rate)

EarlyEarners is at 4.80% also which is an intro rate..

With all the things we do online it makes sense to bank there too huh.. I'll let you guys know which account I choose.

Secondly.. ( check this out moms) I found out about these great group travel companies. There are ones for teens, singles, parents and couples...domestic and worldwide. They even have payment plans. I think its a great option to see the world on a budget ! Check em out yall..You can even earn free travel by setting up a group yourself !

Teen Group Travel

Adult Group Travel

so thats it for now people.. talk to u soon !

In a perfect world..

2006-03-13T11:25:00.000-08:00

ok so if you havent picked up on it yet I am a list maker.. keeps me sane...helps me stay focused..and though I dont usually get half the things on my list done..I always have something to work on which makes me feel like I am at least makin an effort.

My newest list.. In a perfect world I would... ( I'm tagging everyone that reads my blog too !) The trick is to list stuff that is possible to attain .. ( example..u cant list that you would be 5'6 and 125 pounds if you are 5"9 and a buck 80 ' ..get it ? )

1. Have internal peace and be truly happy with who I am

2. Finally start my scrapbooking and get all my photos out of the boxes

3. Have tight flat abs !

4. Have fresh flowers every week on my desk and at home

5. Have beautiful straight teeth

6. Did I mention peacefulness and happiness ?

7. Kiss and hug my daughter everyday and tell her she can accomplish anythign she wants in this world

8. Own and run a business that brings me gratification

9. Sleep late on sundays

10. Have a backyard, jacuzzi and a porch with a swing on it

11. Have an emergency fund, vacations savings plan, Roth IRA, life insurance..etc etc etc

12.Go somewhere warm every six months ..

13. See the pyramids in Africa with my daughter

14. Hell see the world with my daughter..

Side note guys(and gals) What is true happiness anyway ? I wonder if I am trying to attain something that isnt possible. I'm talking about that type of peace our grandmamas have..just humming and happy ..no matter whats goes on they just seem to know everything is gonna be ok and their response to you asking them how they are is always " God is good"

Anyway.. I think its a journey.. a lifetime journey seems like .. I look for external things to bring that but Im realizing that its nothing external that can create it.. though if my money was right im sure my stress levels would go down HAHA !

Now I guess the second list would be to figure out how to attain all these things huh ? I LOVE LIST.. LOL

To pay or not to Pay ????

2006-03-10T06:37:00.000-08:00

My beautiful baby girl was born 6 years ago- I was 21 years old..her dad 28..

He promised to love and take care of her... until I left him that is..

Now 6 years later I havent received even a damn sock to help support the baby he so desperatly wanted. I went to court when she was 1.. filed for child support and when it was time to see the judge he didnt show up..and I didnt pursue it.. why you wonder ?

Well for a long time I had this theory that I wasnt going to make a man pay for his child. I believed that since I made the decision to have her I would take care of her..

that was my take on it for years ..until recently. Her daddy shows up in NY after not seeing or hearing from him for 5 years, talking about he want to "know" her..

He told me he wanted a paternity test ! OMG .. a paternity test ? Anyway I said fine, but you have to pay for it.. which he agreed to. A year later you can guess what has happened.. he never arranged the test nor has he gotten to "know" her..

So he calls me and proceeds to tell me how he has just bought a house and is doing so well .. meanwhile at the time I was laid off and STRUGGLIN !!! I asked for help with her child care.. he said no.. asked for help with her clothes..he said no ..

So my mind has changed about whether or not I should make a man pay .. the answer now is yes .. Why should I struggle when he is living large..

This is the deal though - I am sure he will out of spite file for visitation.. I dont want this man around my child... I dont know him ..she dont know him ...

If a man pays child support..does he get to have visitation with the child ?

80 dollar limo ??

2006-03-08T08:23:00.000-08:00

So my daughter told me she wanted the above pictured limo for her bratz dolls. WHY WHY is it 80 bucks ?? HUH ?

check me out

2006-03-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hey people - so I wanted to post a pic of my new wig ! I think I'm gonna start collecting HAHA

Two entries today

2006-03-06T13:21:00.000-08:00

Ok so I know I posted for today already but this hit me and I had to let it out..enjoy..

The Day my Mother Died

It wasn’t natural. I wasn’t suppose to be standing there , seeing this….

At 15, my eyes had already seen too much and my senses had become dulled because of it. He told me that God would bring her back if I just believed enough. The problem was I thought I did have enough “faith” to keep her here in the first place.. appartently not.. The nurses were reluctant. They kept asking why ? Why do you want to do this ? All I could do was look at my Pastor for some type of explanation. I couldn’t figure it out myself. I was following his lead.

It all started early that day around 10 am. I had gone to see my mother in the hospital and realized that she wasn’t doing well at all. She had lost conciousness for the second time now. I called and asked him to go and pray for her along with minister carty. They agreed and said they would go before evening choir practice that afternoon. Little did I know that singing would be the last thing I wanted to do that day.

My grandfather walked in the house and had this look on his face. A look that was afraid to interpret for fear that I might be right. It was a look of desperation.. He told me we needed to talk…

We stood in the dining room of my grandmothers house. I had spent the last 5 years here, good and bad memories filled these spaces, mostly bad.. but this memory..this toped all of them. “She’s gone”.. “What ?” I responded . “ Your mother, she’s gone”..

Silence, confusion, fear and then anger flooded my body.. I screamed like I had never screamed before.. all my fears were realized that moment. I hit my grandfather ....the man who had just lost his daughter to this monster..this disease..called cancer.

I was so angry at him for telling me this.. He HAD to be lying.. I wouldn’t believe it . .”Why would you say that I ?” screamed..

He held me and tried to calm me down, after screaming for about 5 minutes.. I did.. I realized that I had the task of telling my younger brothers.

They reacted the same way .. absolute denial .. the baby who was 5 at the time.. didn’t know what to think.. “ so you mean she isn’t coming back ?” I couldn’t look him in the eye .. I just whispered “No baby ..”

The house was filled with sobs for the next two hours.. have you ever heard someone sob ? Its very different from crying.. it’s a painful sound.. a sound that comes from somewhere else..from deep inside..

My eyes were swollen, my head was aching and all I wanted to do was wake up from this terrible nightmare….Then the phone rang.. it was him… “come outside” he said…

“My mother..she..” , “ I know” he responded, get in the car. I sat in the back of his minivan. It was this turquoise. I could smell his wifes perfume in the seats. His daughter’s barbies were on the floor next to me.. “ Do you believe ?” he asked me. “What” “ Do you trust me ? “ he rephrased. … “Yes.. I do” , “Good” he said. “If you believe .. God will raise her from the dead., but we have to go now, we have to see her now”

“ My mom” I asked. Not expecting anything like this. “ Yes, we have to go to her, pray over her and if you believe Sister Stephanie, Jesus will raise her from the dead”

When we arrived at the hospital, it all looked so different to me. I had been there so many times before , but this time was different. “ I need to see Evonne Stewart” he said to the head nurse in intensive care. “ Who are you ?” She asked. “ Her pastor, this is her daughter, she is authorizing it”

The nurse look at me with confusion. “ She has already been moved to the morge, I’m sorry honey” the nurse said to me. “ We want to see her, we want to pray over her, its part of our religion” he said to her, not allowing me anytime to respond.

The nurse, apparently bothered by his aggressiveness responded “ I have to check with my supervisor, we don’t usually do things like this, ..honey..are you sure you want to do this ?”

I looked up at her, eyes red, swollen nose and said “ yes…please” She must have seen the desperation in my eyes, perhaps she knew that I wouldn’t take no for an answer..whatever it was she decided to let us go.. “ Follow me then” she said.

We walked down the long cold hallway to the morge. It was dark..very dark. The door was steel, and heavy. It required a passcode. The nurse went to enter her passcode and stopped .. “ I understand that you are distraught right now sweetie, but are you sure that you want to….” “ I want to pray over her, my pastor and my elder will raise her, I believe God can do this for me.. I believe it ! “ I interrupted. At this point I was reaching hysteria.. if there was any hope that my mother could be brought back, I wanted to at least try.. what did I have to loose anyway ?

“Fine” she responded, tight lipped. “Fine”

We walked in slowly as she looked through the names on the drawers. It was a fairly small room. Stainless steel drawers lined the walls..”Evonne Stewart ?”she asked “ Yes” I responded..” She pulled the drawer open.. inside lay a black body bag. I had never seen one in person. Only on TV.. She unzipped the bag slowly and pulled it open. My heart began to race.. ...

( to be continued)

Can't believe its March

2006-03-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

So here we are 3 months into the new year and I realized I didnt list my goals for 06'.. so here goes...

Finalize Divorce

Restore my Credit ( www.vrtechmarketinggroup.com/wfoster)

File for Child Support ( have to take a day off and find the negro)

Get License

Strenghten relationship with younger brother

Save toward buying my house

Work out on the regular ( JOINED A GYM FEB )

Eat more healthy

Get out of Debt ( Total only about 3000)

Get Life Insurance and Roth IRA

Get my GRILL DID ! ( teeth straightened)

Start seeing a therapist ( yeah I got issues)

So these are my goals so far..as you can see the ones in the Green are done already and the ones in yellow are in the process..

Wish me luck !

Sista Gurl Functions ???

2006-03-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all the compliments guys, I will definetely keep writing ! I hope to publish my book one day !

So SINGLEMOM is my new idol !!! ( sorry dont know how to do the links yet) Girlfriend saved 10K !!! whew hew .. now I know I cant put aside 550 every pay period..shit thats my whole check - but I can do 100 ! which in 10 weeks is 1000 and so on ! You have encouraged me Sista ! and thanks for the ING Direct link ! I am opening an account next pay period !

So people ..I havent gone to the gym this week :-( .. I know I know ..but its been so damn COLD in NY I havent been able to pull myself out of bed ! But starting next week I am gonna get on the ball .. or treadmill ..you know what I mean ..

I just want to give a shout out to all the readers of my blog .. You guys encourage me ! Its like having an entourage' of friends without having to lend none of you money HAHA !

Anyway - I am gonna update my blog and put my financial and weight loose goals like Single Mom did ..right after I figure out how to do it HAHAH

So like I said before people I HATE working for someone ..especially the MAN ( no offence fellow white bloggers HAHA) and I have been trying to figure out a way to channel my creative energies into something profitable. I have always had a passion for party and group planning. I even had a small group StrivinSista's for awhile and we would meet and discuss things of importance to women of color... I LOVED IT !!!

At the time I didnt think it was possible to make this anything other than a hobby of mine. My daughters birthday is coming up ..the big 6 ! LOL and I started looking for places to have her party.. I realized that in NYC its extremely expensive to rent out rooms. and I came across this site. www.teacakesandteddybears.com TOO CUTE - now imagine having something like that that caters too beautiful little blacks girls ! TOO CUTE ! One thing I have always been passionate about is providing opportunities for "our children" that we usually wouldnt have access to.

So anyway - tell me what you think about this idea. Sista Gurl functions Inc. ! Tea parties and other themed parties ( spa parties, pajama parties) catered to children and women of color. As you can see on that site Miss thing charges 500+ to go to this little girls house and basically play tea party and dress up.

Now the twist is this - use the tea parties as an avenue to discuss important topics that "we" need to talk about . Financial literacy ( adults) ..learning how to save ( little girls) etc etc..

I know its a stretch but tell me what you guys think....

Dedication to my Mom

2006-02-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

Hello fellow bloggers. I have been wanting to tell my story for years now. I plan to write a book one day about my life thus far.. I am going to begin to share some of my stories with you guys to get practice .. its one thing to live through something and another to write about it..which is actually like reliving it.. but here goes..

I was 15.. and she had been sick for a year now. She called me and wanted me to come to the hospital to see her. I hated hospitals, the smell had become all too familiar for me. That ammonia and bleach combination. I spent alot of time in hospitals that last year. She had a tumor in her chest and my dad had cancer in his blood. They were diagnosed the same year..

They made me put on protective clothing and a mask before I could go in. I wasnt sure if it was to protect me from her or her from me. I walked past the room twice, not recognizing her. She was swollen from all the fluid she was retaining. I had to actually read the name tags they have on the doors.. ..Evonne Stewart... before I realized it was her lying in the bed. She had lost consciousness just from the night before when I spoke to her and she told me that she wouldnt wish this on her worst enemy. I walked in cautiously, afraid of what I was going to see.

There lie my mother.. all of 32 years old and dying. The women who made sacrifices for her three children, worked several jobs and struggled to support us by herself. Now she was the one who needed support. I took her hand in mine and whispered. " Mommy ? " but she couldnt answer. I said again " Mommy, wake up" but she couldnt.

Right before she went into the hospital, we had signed a lease for a new apartment. My brothers and I hated living in my grandmothers house. She had like 8 cats and it smelled like it. Even on her disability salary, she was more concerned about our comfort than her financial ability to provide it...but we never made it to that apartment.

Mommy died the next day, and my life changed forever.. three months later Daddy died too..

Here I am now 12 years later and realizing that life isnt promised to any of us..My mom spent her life struggling, I dont think she ever felt the Caribbean sand under her toes..never had a professional massage, or had her toes painted red.. She never rode a horse or climbed a mountain.. never walked barefoot on a beach while the sun set.. and now she was gone..

Rat Race !

2006-02-27T06:52:00.000-08:00

Morning People,

As I said before you HAVE to read " Rich Dad, Poor Dad" ! The way it breaks down the mentality of the poor and middle class is crazy ! I have never been the "conforming" type anyway , so for me all it does is confirm the fact that the way most americans live is crazy !

We work for our employers ( corporations) , for the government ( taxes) and for the banks ( credit cards, mortgages, loans) all our life ! and we are constantly trying to make more money just so we can spend more money ..

Geesh, I guess you really have to have the mentality to grasp all this for it to excite you. Most people are ok with a "good job" and "good pay". I have never been. I had an interview for this temp job that I work at right now. The lady asked me if I want to be a secretary for the rest of my life..uh DUH..what the fuc you think fool ? I said no, and she told my supervisor she doesnt think I'm a good match cause I dont want to do this for the rest of my life..

I wanted to slap that bitch ! like you think my only aspiration should be to work for your ass, getting your coffee and making your appointments..lordy !

Anyway, I am presently looking into the corporation that I have wanted to start since I can remember; a chain of enrichment centers for children. It will include international travel, arts, academic and most of all FINANCIAL LITERACY.. ! pray for me yall..

This morning I was on my way to work with the rest of the slaves and I just looked at everyone pushing and shoving to get to this bullshit ass jobs that will lay you off the minute they feel you are no longer profitable, and I realized that I cant do this for the rest of my life. I cant die saying to myself ..well I worked hard and I saved alittle something...

NO ..I want to be able to say .. I left a legacy for my children ..and empire..a dream ..something that continues after I am gone..

Find your spot, fix your credit, get a house !

2006-02-24T08:29:00.000-08:00

So people as you have probably read me mention that I am ready to move. While I love the convience that the big City offers, its just too many people and dirt and all the things that come along with it. I have started to prepare by moving in a room mate to share my 3 bedroom apartment. I am also fixing up my credit through http://www.vrtechmarketinggroup.com/wfoster/
(They also provide mortgages and such)

Anyway .. since I am looking to move out of the city- I had to tell you guys about this site. www.findyourspot.com , no it aint nothing nasty, not that kind of spot. But it quizes you on all the places you like and gives you a list of the best places for you to live. with a breakdown of those cities.

Went to the gym this morning and walked 10 blocks home ! I will be posting before and after pictures come this summer ! My measurements currently are 36-30-39. I am aiming for 36-26-36 ! Sexy MAMA !

"Rich Thinking"

2006-02-23T06:55:00.000-08:00

This book is Great ! For everyone who hasn't read it ..please do ! It takes about the difference in the mentality of the rich and the poor. The chapter I am on right now is talking about liabilities vs assets. Its so simple but alot of people dont realize it. Basically in a nutshell if you have more liabilities ( things that require you to spend money, credit cards, rent, taxes, loans etc) rather than assets ( things that make you money, real estate, stocks, investments etc) you will never be rich.

The book also says that people think that more money will solve your problems..its not about how much money you make ( in most cases) but what you do with the money that you do make. Our society, ( and many parents are at fault of doing this) teach people how to make money , ( get a good job, go to school so you can get that good job) but they dont teach us how to spend our money that we make. You ever notice , the more you make seems like the more bills you have ? I know its true for me.

You have heard these stories about people winning the lottery and years later they are broke. I mean they had MILLIONS..but what do most ignorant people do when they get more money ? Spend it right ? or buy things that will cause them to spend more money , like expensive cars they cant afford..

Everything starts with a mental change

OH YEAH !

2006-02-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Who got up at 5AM to hit the gym ? HUH HUH ???

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I am so proud of myself . I reluctanly joined Bally's this past weekend - cause well truth be told my mid section is gettin out of damn hand- and the rolls on the back aint cute either !

Besides cosmetics, I do want to be healthier, and with both my parents dying of cancer, I know i need to start takin care of myself. It was so weird to be out before the sun this morning - but the ride to the gym only took 5 minutes. It was serene, quiet , nothing like NYC at rush hour ! and it felt good to have that time to myself to think !

The Non-Poem

2006-02-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

The Non-Poem

I want to scream at the top of my lungs until i get it all out

All the wrongs, all the hurts, regrets and uncertainties..

I wanna sing all the things I cant say .. let my melody ring high to the mountains like the others did.

I wanna cry ..cry until all the tears are gone..for all those things I never told you..

But most of all I want to be happy..peaceful and free..free from regret, free from me..free from the expectations of ...you..

I can't seem to get my head together lately.. I have this long ass to-do list of things I cant get to-do..

My new years goals rang from financial issues to domestic shit.. My main problem all my life has been motivation.. When I'm motivated I can move mountains ! I mean I been through and made it through some shit off of pure motivation.

Unfortunately in the past it has been negative things that have motivated me. Rather than being crushed under the pressure, I used it to fuel me. But now I have to find a new motivation. I have been back and forth about how I feel about keeping this blog. Should I "tell my business" to the world..risk someone I know seeing it.. should i just keep it to myself etc etc..

But there is something in me that gets peace from sharing my story..to learn that I'm not the only one out there and confused..and trying to figure this shit out..

My daughters insurance got fucked up..some bullshit about recertifying and I never got the forms. Of course this happens right before she has an appointment. Geesh.. but what can you do ? I shouldnt be dependent on the "man" ( and no I dont mean the white man- but the government which actually happens to be made up of mostly white men, so go figure) to take care of me or my baby..

I'll get it together.. I"ll try not to complain along the way cause I believe there is a bigger purpose for me ..than what I am expierencing right now..

I wanna talk about God ..religion and all the inbetweens..but dont feel like typing about it right now.. long story short..how do you find God again when you only know him through "religion" ...I dont want religion..its man made in my opinion...but I need God..

I need some positive motivated sistas in my life man .,. geesh

One thing is always sure...

2006-02-14T07:09:00.000-08:00

I love my daughter.. I don't write about her much because well .. she is the one thing in my life I am sure of. I am sure that I love her with all my heart and soul.. So many people talk about love and how in love they are but I truly believe that their is only one type of unconditional love that exist in this world.the love a parent has for their children.

Destiny-Evonne .. my babygirl is the most intelligent little girl I have ever met . I had my plan set before I ever got pregnant. Fall in love, get married , have children. Didnt work out that way ..instead I didnt fall in love, I didnt get married, I just had my baby.. but she is the greatest gift I could have received in life. Sometimes I wonder if I jinxed myself by naming her Destiny.. I havent gotten pregnant since I had her and yes I've had some slip ups. But I guess it happens when its suppose to.

Destiny came home yesterday with a red pillow that says I love you on it .. she had taken her three dollars for snack after school and bought it for me. Awwww..she gets this twinkle in eye when she gives me something and it helps me to realize that life is worth something. Her dad is missing out on knowing a beautiful little girl.

She doenst ask about him much - doenst really know anything about him except that he has never been around. I just pray that God allows me to have a family one day. I want my daughter to know what its like to have a healthy black man in her life..

Sex with Lassy ? YUCK

2006-02-13T08:49:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps..

So tomorrow is V-Day ! and yes being the non traditional woman that I am- I am taking my man out . I sent him a bouquet of ballons.. and a card telling him to meet me at a spa.

He will be rubbed and pampered for an hour and a half and then I will sweep him off to the 40/40 club ( jay z's place in NYC) We have been wanting to go there for awhile now. I love hanging out with my baby.. we go dancing, even go to the strip clubs together ( yeah im a freak-a-leak)

This pass weekend we went to 42nd street and saw Final Destination 3.. it was o.k. seemed to be filled with a bunch of "jump out of your seat" moments. Every 5 minutes someone gettin their head chopped up or burned up by tanning beads ( note to self; no tanning) ..

We went to this porn store when we finished ( yes I told you Im a freak) and while browsing through the big butt brotha lova's section I came across one of the craziest things I have ever seen.. Sex with animals.. WTF ?

My curiousity got the best of me and I had to pick it up. Low and behold there was a woman fucking lassy ! Lord what is this world coming to ? I mean that is just some nasty sick shit.. YUCK..

Anyway.. I bought the cutiest shoes ( yes they sell shoes in the porn shops) You know the kind the skrippers wear.. LOL - we had fun that night..

I havent really been in the mood to blog about anything significant .. dont know why .. I mean I am always thinking about shit .. my ex who lied and is no living with his baby mama who was suppose to just be a friend.. Roth 401K's and shit like that .. buyin a house and gettin out of NY.. signing babygirl up for dance or singing or something .. u know life shit ..

I'll try to get out of this rut and start posting about something outside of my sex life .. HAHA ..but hey it makes for a good read..

Hey hey

2006-01-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all the comments guys.. I know I have been MIA for the last week or so ..

So lets see whats been going on . I continue to deal with my demons on a daily basis.. ( jealousy, anger, fear , regret , etc). and I'm coming to realize that its a life long battle .. The pursuit of perfection that is ..

Seems like my last couple of post have had alot to do with relationship.. but isnt that what life is made up of anyway ? Whether its platonic or romantic .. and the older I get the more I realize that I just cant deal with certain things .. I think it takes a very mature person to say .. " you know what I love/like you alot , but this isnt a good relationship for me .. "

When I was 15 I thought by the time I was 21 I would have it all together, now that Im 27 I'm hoping by the time I am 30 I'll have it all together but the more people I talk to the more I realize that there is no magic # that I will reach and be "fixed". Its going to take effort on my part.. and alot of it..

I have all these great idea, work out, eat right, spend more quality time with babygirl etc etc.. and its not gonna happen overnight. One thing I have noticed about myself through everything I have been through is "running away" has been my defense. If someone gets too close and it becomes uncomfortable for me .. i run. when my man seems to know me too well.. I run ..

When Im embarrassed I run ..etc etc ( not literally but you know what I mean)

My girlfriend and I had a talk about the fact that alot of women subconciously dont think they deserve a good man and will try and "find drama" and sabatoge it.. hummm

ANWAY, .. I know all of you are waiting for the pastor story and I promise I will post about it soon...its crazy when I talk about it, sounds like an afterschool special or some shit..

I got my tooth pulled yesterday and now I look like Alvin the chipmunk ! Ha but I had to get into work , you know temps dont get paid unless they come in ..aint that some shit !!

I finally got my utitilies paid full and clear ! WHEW HEW !!! and rent is next ..LORD once I become debt free I dont know what Im gonna do with myself..ok yes i do .. GET A HOUSE !

I will be posting about this company Im involved with that does credit restoration so stay tuned ..

You will be happy to know...

2006-01-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

Hey people,

So you will be happy to know I have been doing some soul searching this last week .. I got my damn self together and realized I got a good man on my hands and I need to chill out before I fuck it up ! ( aha - she can be taught)

I left that bullshit temp job where i was tempin for a lady that looks like that one from the Drew Carey show that wears all the makeup ( you know the one) .. this woman had no life.. been with the company for 28 years, no kids, no man ,work was her life and I think she expected it o be mine too..

Anywho.. so i got a great new temp job in LIC .. not a bad commute either decent money and all that jazz.

My roommate has moved in now and its actually pretty cool..its nice to have the adult company. Destiny's stomach has been bothering her again. She gets these bad stomach aches and I cant figure out whats wrong with her. We have to go to a GI specialist and see what the problem is.

I am optomistic about the new year .. I have gotten my list together and plan on sticking to it ( dont we all) My main goal is to get my money straight ( isnt there a book about that)

I use to be heavily involved in the church, until the pastor put his hand up my skirt ( another posting, another day) and I miss the peace I felt when I prayed on a regular basis. The issue now is how do I get that spirituality back without the religion .. ?

Long ass week

2006-01-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

So my new room mate and her daughter moved in this weekend ..talk about work ! she started on friday and we didnt really get settled until Monday..

I am leaving this bullshit temp job I'm at and starting at Citigroup on Monday .. and lets see what else..got the nails did ..and hair did so feeling kinda sexy

I use to have a blog before and some friends knew about it and other people that I knew so I decided to change the address of the blog cause i realized I couldnt really talk about the things i talk about now ..

Whats crazy is that even now that no ones knows i worry about strangers judging me ..

But hey fuck it - i need to vent..

What I dont understand about myself as a woman and as a person is my strength and weaknesses and how they can co-exist.

I hate it when I hear women say " I dont need a man" cause its the same women that will run after a nigga and let him dogg her.. Now yes I agree you dont NEED a man nor should you NEED one to be whole but man was made to compliment woman and vice versa so yeah there is a natural desire in the majority of women for that companionship. Unfortunately alot of us fall in to ( including myself) this cycle of bad relationships in the pursuit of that companionship

Herein begins my dilema.. I am dating the most gorgeous dark skin chocolate man..puts the dick down right..is very supportive..emotionally and financially and all that good stuff. did I mention Fine.. ?? he is one of those men that take care of themselves.. hair stay cut and always smelling good as hell.. umm I love making him nut .. just to look at his fine face.. ( I know im nasty)

Anyway ..I feel like he is the best man I have ever had.. so you probably wonder..whats the problem.. ME

Now that I am in a normal relationship free of abuse of any kind, with a man that actually respects me its as if I am always looking for something to happen to show me that its impossible that relationship can work.. He has a female friend..been friends since highschool..that he stays in contact with..now yes they had a fling but never a monogamous relationship.. So she asked him to help her move and that she would get him a watch from where she works in exchange.. hummm

I believe in my gut he is faithful .. maybe its cause the chick is single and I know how fine my man is that I worry but then I end up acting stupid over it .. I checked his email the other day and told him after finding him sending her an email about feeling "guilty" about something he did .. when i asked him what it was and told him i had checked his email..

he showed me the watch and he was talking about the watch and shows me other emails that explain that he felt guilty for taking the watch cause he knows i didnt like the idea..

ok so now i feel like a fool.. he tells me he dont know if he can trust me now ,.which makes me feel worse..

Now you would think looking like this ...

I wouldnt be so damn insecure right ? Anyway he came ova that night and hit me off with the goodness .. whew lordy .. i have found myself wanting to do anything sexually this man wants and now my ass is sore LMAO..

anyway i want to hear from some men.. how do you keep ur man from cheating is it possible ?

Envy and all that shit..

2006-01-12T10:08:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have a new friend lets call her Diane ( to protect the innocent)

Diane and I have alot in common, mainly our insecurities. Insecurities arent easy to talk about .. at least not for me anyway.

She revealed to me that she thinks light skin women with "good hair" are ideal and I revealed to her that I think brown skin women with big onion booties are ideal.

Now the funny part is neither one of us are what we think ideal is , we are each others perception of ideal and thus the attraction. It goes even deeper than that..

We debated on why the other is better and I thought to myself..why is it that something that causes me insecurity ( big asses, brown skin) is exactly what I am attracted to..

Now it doesnt help that my man thinks this is the ideal image too.. ( how he ended u with a light skin chick with straight hair and a little booty still I dont get..but i digress..)

So anyway, when man and I go to the strip clubs together or porn stores we head straight to the bigg booty section or immediately start tipping the stripper with the best ass..

I mean I LOVE a full shaped ass.. I Swear if i was a man I would fuck a ugly chick if the ass was right.. LMAO ..anyway

So now you would think when I see a nice ass when I am with my man, or when I notice him noticing one.. I would enthusiasticly agree YEAH THATS A NICE ONE ..
but this is more like what the "conversation" in my head goes like..

Confident me: " DAMN..look at the ass on that one..whew hew my clit just jumped, Baby did you see her ass?"

Insecure me: " DAMN look at the ass on that one.. I bet you he looking too..he thinks she is better than me..I bet his dick got hard"

Confident me: " Tell him how you would love to bend her over and stick your tongue...(I'll spare you the nasty details) "

Insecure me: "Don't say nothing ..then he will realize ur ass isnt ideal and leave you ! "

So you guys get the picture ..sick right ! I know and by the time we get down the block and he asked me if I noticed the girl that just past.. I play stupid..like " girl what girl" ?

LMAO

I LOVE MACS!!

2006-01-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Ok so the new macs have arrived..they now have a mac with a intel chip .. Hello ! so its faster than ever..

I sold my powerbook about 2 months ago ( long story - backed up rent etc etc)

And I am still mourning it. Not to mention I still have to finish paying for it. DONT ASK !

Anywho, I have promised myself that once Im out of debt and have paid off the old one , I will reward myself with a brand new mac ! paid in full of course ! I cant wait ! I mean I literally get wet thinking about i ( ok too much info)

ahhhhhh. I guess its the computer geek wana be in me

Lazy Weekend

2006-01-08T08:06:00.000-08:00

So I decided to take it easy this weekend..I would stay home with my babygirl and clean my damn house. One of my girlfriends wanted me to hang out last night but I just didnt feel like it. Now the man is in SC for his uncle's retirement party.. I couldnt join him this time around, and it was kinda weird being away from him and nice at that same time.. I'm thinking the time apart will make us miss each other ..

Anyway I swear sometimes I hate relationship, all the misinterpretations and miscommunications and all that shit make you wonder if its all worth it.. I dont even know what its like to be truly single. People say they are single but got someone they fucking.. I mean truly single though like dont have any type of romantic involvement with anyone.

Love can make you feel so good and then feel so damn bad a minute later. My man is very hard to understand sometimes..

New Years Party

2006-01-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

On the way to work this morning I bought a cup of coffee from one of those knock off Dunkin Donuts places ..called don't Connection or some shit .. LOL ..

Anyway..the coffee was terrible and it cost one dollar.. I love the coffee from those damn vendors on the sidewalk..what do they put in that shit anyway ?

Anyway..man is leaving for SC tomorrow morning.. I am not going with him on this trip.. shit I just cant afford to.. we went to VA for new year and had a great time.. this chick, Ronnie , that use to be a fling ( another story) threw a party and all his family went..

I thought it would be weird but suprisingly it wasn't. She is much older than me and not as cute ( yeah yeah I'm vain) so I didnt feel intimidated at all..though she did have a great ass ( yes I have booty envy)

There was another chick there that kept telling me how sexy I was..how I looked DAMN good as she sipped on her Don Perrione' , Man tells me that her man was in a car accident and got paid out the ass and now they are set for life..

She continued the rest of the night telling me how she lost her 1600 dollar earring and just shops at blooming all the time when she comes to NY.. and in keeps reminding me how sexy and damn good I look ..

I'm saying to myself this chick dont know my style.. LOL ..I'll tear ur ass up right here..little does she know i have been in a coochie drought..

Anywho..she was drunk and kinda cute..kinda chubby in the mid section but i loves all sizes lol ..or maybe it was the martini & rossi i was sipping on too.

anyway..my man notices us flirting and takes a pic..he loves when i come on to women.. now I have to watch what I say cause this chick knows his family and I dont want my business out there like that..

So anyway she texts me the next morning like lets hook up when u get back to VA.. I have already made the decision im not fucking with her.. too close for comfort as far as I'm concerned..

New Year ..

2006-01-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

So here we are 3 days into the new year.. and I'm trying to figure out where to start.. I have my list together of course.. thinking over the last year I ask myself .. what kept me from accomplishing what I wanted to last year ? what the hell did I do anyway ??

I always have similiar goals each year .. getting organized and saving money being at the top of the list.. I can't quite figure out why I cant get organized and neat .. is it really a personality thing or am I just lazy LOL .. ( yes its a possibility)

I dont know just going home everyday and cleaning doesnt appeal to me .. I am suppose to have a room mate moving in at the end of the month .. Not thrilled with the idea but hey i need some help financially and I seriously cant see how I would save a dime without one..

I have some MAJOR life changes planned for this year and not really sure how they are gonna work out but I guess we will see.. is it just me or do other people look for this "magic fix" to help them accomplish all the things they want to in their life and miraculousy become the person they want to be .. ?

What is life anyway but the journey to become what you think you are suppose to be .. i mean do you ever become that person or just spend your whole life in pursuit of it ?

I'll stop raddling on for now .. and get back to looking like I'm working ..

Things aint so bad...

2005-12-28T06:39:00.000-08:00

This morning as I walked to work, cramps burning my uterus, my heavy coat and bag hanging on my body .. I complained to myself that my life sucked..

Then I saw this man.. at first I didnt see the handle on the dog and just noticed how slow he AND the dog were walking.. and I said to myself .. "Self- be grateful, you are young, seemingly healthy and thank God for what you have"

As this man and his old dog slowly walked up the block I imagined what he was like when he was young.. walking swiftly as I am ..and probably complaining secretly to himself about what ever his life woes were at the time.. and the young pup was probably waggin his tail and running around catching balls too..

When I turned to look at him at the light, its then that I realized this man was blind and this was his seeing eye dog.. We take so many things for granted sometimes...something as simple as sight.. I repented and promised in the upcoming year to remind myself of these two characters I came across in midtown everytime I think my life sucks..

Before I die....

2005-12-23T07:25:00.000-08:00

So they decided to go back to work .. without a contract, which in my opinion was wasteful.. what was the point of posing a strike and then going back before you got what you wanted anyway ? I dont get it ..but hey maybe Im not suppose to.

Anywho.. the closly approaching new year has made me start to think about alot of things.. # 1 being financial stable; I am still searching for a new room mate.. the room mate I have now is moving ot South America.. ahh the nice weather...

I am still working on my new year goals , resolutions, whatever you want to call them thingys..

And i came up with another list ..

Top Things I want to do before I die.. ( yeah I know its corny)

1. Perform at amatuer night at the Apollo ! ( don't ask)

2. Skydive ( yes Im serious, and yes I know im afraid of heights)

3. Have a son ( awwwwwww)

4. See the world ( no not as in resorts but truly learn and experience other cultures)

5. Have straight teeth

6. Try my hand at modeling ( i look good in pics )

7. See my babygirl get married( or find someone who she loves) , have a baby and be truly happy

8. See my brothers make something of themselves

9. Leave an inheritance for my children

10. Fall deeply in love, be loved back the same way, get married ( again) and be happy this time..

11. Start my own business

12. Get a tatoo of a ying yang sign

13. Get a flat stomach

14. Come to terms with who I am and am not and be O.K. with it

Strikes & Stress

2005-12-22T06:55:00.000-08:00

That sign says " No Trains due to Transit Strike" . It caught my attention because of the bars. I automatically thought I need to find the key to the city to unlock these trains.. haha..well I thought it was funny.

Anyway, its day 3 of the strike and this morning I was blessed with a ride into manhatta, which wasn't bad at all. i guess people caught on and realize that you can only get into the city with 4 in car. I took metro north to and from work yesterday and the crowd was crazy ! At 125th a police officer with one of those microphone thingies said there were no trains to Grand Central, then a Metro North worker said there was, but we had to have a ticket.. so everyone gets on line to get a ticket.. and I see people just walking up stairs.. so I do the same and of course once on the train , they didnt ask for any tickets..

I think they did all that as a decoy to get rid of some of the crowd. I dont know what to think of all this , I dont want to bash the MTA workers and say they dont deserve what they are askin for but didnt you realize when you got into a city job that you were in a shitty position ? Oh well..

I have been really tired this week ..VA next week ..YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH

City on Strike

2005-12-20T07:08:00.000-08:00

I wake up this morning ( as everyone else) to hear that the MTA was on strike. I knew I shouldn't have bought that damn weekly metro card.

Anyway as I sat there and listened to the news , my babysitter , Miss O, called to tell me that school would be delayed two hours. Now mind you I am still a temp and dont get paid if I dont make it in .

I found out the Metro North was working however.
After dropping destiny off I made my way to 125th. SUPRISINGLY, it wasn't bad at all.. besides the long lines to buy tickets.. which I didnt I just got on the train and didnt have to pay ..

I dont really know how to feel about all this anyway.. I mean yeah the employees deserve a raise but is what they are asking for realistic ?

What can you do part of City life ..

Big City living..small town dreams

2005-12-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

Beautiful isn't it ?? Ahhh.. I was introduced to Hampton Roads area by my current boyfriend.. he has family there..

I have known for awhile now that I wanted to move out of NY.. just didnt know where.. I didnt want to go back to my native North Carolina..( long story) but I knew I wanted to head south or west..so when he took me to VA I was hooked..the beach is beautiful and me being a big fan of the water .. porches and backyards VA works for me ..

Now the hard part.. a plan..

I dont want to move away and rent again..so that adds alot into the mix.. is it unrealistic to think I can move in a year ??

I want destiny to grow up with a backyard and a dog. I want her to know what grass is - not just concrete and dog doodie on the sidewalk..

No more walk ups or crowded trains.. Everyone tells me ( well the city lovers that is) that I will get bored after a month..but hey I figure I can always hop on the $20 Chinatown bus back to NY and fulfill my desire for the bustling city..

Ahh... back to daydreaming ..

Blah Blah and Blah Blah

2005-12-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

Hey world..or whoever actually reads my post..

Lately I have REALLY been in the investment mindset.. I keep reading these great articles about the stock market..starting your own business, real estate investments etc etc etc..

Today I was reading Black Enterprise December edition and it has its "Top 40 under 40" best people in business.. as I read through the articles and profiles of these "tops" I wondered to myself what are they doing that I'm not ?

Why are there 28 year old black females starting and running their own businesses and I'm stuck in the rat race ? Is it something that I am lacking ? Is it resources available ? great parents that taught these young women ? WHAT ?

I dont want to spend the rest of my life just "reading" about people accomplishing what I would love to accomplish..

I started a pretty decent job- good pay .. and no reason to complain at all..however of course...this just isnt me .. I can't work for someone for the rest of my life..

Christmas is around the corner and I decided to celebrate this year.. last year I didnt..not that Destiny noticed cause she is only 5 and we have only celebrated twice..but something about having the lite tree in the living room brought a warmness to our little family.. we will also do kwanzaa

I made sure to explain to her that there is no fat white man that brings her gifts..that the tree is just a tree and that its her mommy that works hard in order to reward her for being a good girl with gifts.. to tell you the truth I dont know why I am celebrating anyway.. I should have just bought her a bunch of stuff and thats that..but I guess I kinda felt like she was missing out on something ... I kinda feel like a hyprocrite having the tree in my house anyway ..knowing that I so dont believe in the concept of christmas..but I keep thinking about my christmas's as a child .. seeing the tree ( probably had something to do with the lights) and gifts wrapped always made me happy..I mean would I be a horrible mom to say forget the tree ? and buy gifts in january instead ? Destiny tells me that she doesnt tell the other kids there is no Santa Clause cause she doesnt want to spoil it for them ..LMAO Hilarious !

Not that I am judging those that agree to the whole, santa clause, white christmas and Christ thing but I just dontget it ..this country kills off other nations, rapes their men, forces "our" way of life on other people but still consider ourselves "righteous" because we are "a christian country" ..I'm sure if there is/was a Christ, he didnt/wouldnt approve of half the things we do in "his name"

anywho.. I went bowling and played some pool with my sister, her husband and my man this weekend.. had a nice time, got tipsy..etc etc.. we went to this diner..and OH MY GOSH..black people black people black people ( and yes that means spanish people too) WHY do we do the things we do ..

"We" cant go anywhere without acting the damn fool .. Loud, rude, etc.. i just sat their shaking my head as the "chickens" walked in with their hair did and their club outfits on making sure to be as loud as possible so everyone would see them ..

Sometimes I think something is wrong with me ..it would be so much easier to just conform to this "I got big rims, and a fur coat so I am worth something" mentality..

I know this much is true...

2005-12-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

With each year I grow..maybe not as much as I need to but I do indeed grow...
This weekend I received some news that really made me look at the way my decisions affect my life and the life of those I love..

Love has always been a touchy subject for me .. I haven't always made the best decisions and am sure that I still have a WHOLE lot to learn..

The great thing about mistakes is you can learn from them..a mistake doesnt have to become a habit..I thank the "spirit" for teaching me that ... I have been "allowed" to make my share of mistakes but none that were "unfixable"..

Though I feel that I have "outgrown" organized religion I feel the spirit leading me back to some type of "practice"..

The new year is fastly approaching and I have very high hopes for it .. positive people have been placed in my life and negative ones eliminated... or distanced... The lessons for 2005 were great..and I anticipate that the lessons for 2006 will be even more beneficial..

Thank you Father for all of the lessons I have learned from my mistakes thus far...and the opportunity to learn from them and make them right..and thank you for the people you have sent to me to love me in the midst of all this..

My little family and our issues...

2005-12-02T07:37:00.000-08:00

Today I am feeling alittle ...shall we say "weird" I am mixed with feelings of happiness.. I FINALLY found a job, my baby girl is healthy and happy, my man is gorgeous and so far pretty "normal" and I have a pretty solid plan to be out of debt by the end of the year..

The weird part comes in because even though all those things are going good.. the thought of my daughters "punk ass daddy" is ruining it all .. from time to time he crosses my mind and when he does this feeling of hate comes over me ..

Last night we played "waitress" I made Jimmy Nuetron chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese.. a meal fit for a two person family... As I "served" Miss Washington and asked her if she needed anything else with her meal..I secretly thanked "god" for allowing me to provide for my babygirl ..even something as simple as this meal....I thought to myself if I had to depend on her dad to feed her we would be in deep shit..

Everytime destiny asks me something about her "father" and where he is and why he isnt around and why he doesn't call and all the other whys that come along with being a child with an absent parent, a feeling of rage comes up in me..

The last time I heard from him he told me he wanted to get to know his daughter, whom he hasn't seen since she was 1 and that he needed "my help" ... my help ? How the hell do I "help" him get to know his daughter.. He said he would call and would like to "help" ( there's that word again) me out financially.. that was 4 months ago.. I haven't heard from him since..

Alot of women tell me, fuck him , forget him , get child support and move on with your life... how nice the world would be if all a little girl needed was "child support" . I think alot of the insecurities that I have as a woman today in regards to relationship and men have to do with my father being absent.. I sought this "male approval" from any men in my life and still did till recently. ..
This need for approval got me in alot of situations where I settled for less than I deserved. So...how do I help my daughter who is ALREADY starting to question her looks and her value.. ( more on that later) ..avoid the same insecurities that I have / had ?

Thats where the Hate comes in .. how can someone help create a baby and then not know whether or not they are eating, or happy or healthy ? How can you go buy a new pair of shoes or go out to the movies or eat a slice of pizza without the thought " I wonder if my baby ate today" cross your mind ? For the last 5 years I havent been allowed that luxury.. I always thought it was something that came with the territory. .. obviously not for us all ..

There use to be a time where I would whell up with tears just going to peoples family functions..seeing the wife and husband and happy kids, grandma, grandpa and all the jazz..and there was this longing in me for that..and i felt so GUILTY that I hadnt provided that for my baby.. I did everything I thought I was suppose to do to prevent a broken home, outside of hiring an investigator to follow my daughters father around.. he told me he had never been married, had no children and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me .. I was 20 years old and guillable..having only lost both my parents years before I thought..great at least I can have a family again..how was i to know he was married and had TWO children..when he was sleeping in my bed every night.. and 5 years later ..here we are me and my babygirl..

My man often talks about how wonderful destiny is and how he doesnt understand how her dad wouldnt want to be in her life... ( thank you wendell !) so I still have faith that there are good men out there who love their babies and want to take care of them no matter what happens with the mom... but for now my babygirl and I are making due with surrogate fathers.. men who show her affection ( under my watchful eye of course) and tell her that she is beautiful and smart and funny..

Fuck all those people who say kids don't need their daddies..fuck all those grandmas that say " don't let her sit in ANY mans lap or play with ANY man ... or express or accept affection from ANY man... cause I avoided all "mens" laps when I was a little girl and my cousins still managed to get their hands up my skirt...Fuck all the women who tell me I don't "NEED" a man.. there is a difference in saying that I "need" a man to survive ..to be whole.. no I wont fall off the face of the earth if i never get married again..never have more children ...but I do "NEED" a family.. I need all the things every woman needs.. and every little girl needs.. love and affection and confirmation...
I don't want a fathers day card.. I dont tell Destiny I am her mom and her dad..cause I'm not .. I can't be.. I can't tell her how men think.. I can't put fear into the teenage boy she brings home before prom and convince him that if he doesnt have her home by 10 I will hunt him down like a mad man.. I can't hold her the way a daddy would and have the sterness that a daddy gives..I can't lift up the AC or carry 5 bags of laundry down the steps .. or fix that damn leaky pipe.. and you know what even if I could.. I dont want to... I want to concentrate on what my role allows me... I can't give her the confidence that a little girl gets when her daddy looks at her and says.." you are my babygirl" ... I just can't ...as hard as my mom tried..she couldnt either....

New Year Goals, Old year ambitions

2005-12-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

I am continually perplexed by my inability to get things finished ! For those of you who know me I provide an endless supply of creative ideas.. mommy & me slumber parties, book clubs, sista girl groups, annual trips etc etc..the list goes on and on. Since I was a kid I never lacked great ideas and even plans to implement these ideas.. what I did lack was the ability to stay focused after the powerpoint presentations and evites..

I think my main obstacle is focusing on one thing, rather than trying to accomplish 4 things at once. What I would like to do in the next year ( oh look another project ! ) is learn how to focus on something and finish it from start to end..

Anyway...got that off my chest..

D.R. was beautiful, the weather that is ..the resort was medicore.. alittle old but nothing too bad..outside of the occasional power outages and the continual reminders "not to drink the agua".. it was a fairly sucessful trip..

I got to get away with the man and get some color on my otherwise ghostly winter pale complexion.

Now the real shit begins...next year is fastly approaching as is my 28th Birthday ! I can't freakin believe it..my babygirl is gonna be 6 .. WHEW...

We got our first "pet" right before the holidays after Destiny telling me how bad she needed a sibling and the least i could do if I couldnt give her a baby is give her a pet..

When we returned from D.R. the fish tank was filled with algae.. which the pet store later told me was from leaving the night light on too much ..

I bought an algae fighter and tap water conditioner..which apparently didnt condition anything.. cause when we woke up this morning ALL her "siblings" were floating at the top of the tank..

I figured I would spare her the horror of seeing this and flushed them down the toilet..

She cried for about 10 minutes then went back to playing spongebob...